Alright, alright I know this says part 3 and many will be tempted to start here and decide whether or not to read the other two (below), but that doesn't make sense...unless you are one of those people who skip to the last chapter to see what happens at the end of the book! shame on you ha! or you may scroll down and decide it's too long and don't have the time. I tried my best to set it up so that it flows in the direction of 1-3 not 3,2,1 so it probably won't make much sense to read this one first...and this is just the way it falls on the screen, sorry.
Ok I'm stalling because honestly I'm hesitant about writing this last part. I have a lot of anxiety; It requires humility, honesty and exposing some difficult things that I really don't know if I want to make public and would probably prefer to hide, but I know its fear of what others will think that's causing me to procrastinate and ramble so I must face it. I feel prompted to share for whatever reason, in hopes that through my weakness, my experience He will be glorified, others may learn something... So let me attempt to set this up once more...
I'm wired to be a rescuer, what can I say? It flows freely throughout my veins and has as long as I can remember. When I was put together in my mother's womb I got an extra injection of chivalry or something I guess?!? Seriously when I was five or so and just beginning to understand God and prayer, I would pray that He would make me the strongest man in the world every night, without the huge muscles and protruding veins like a body builder of course, so that I could be a hero one day. Why? Why at such a young age did I wish this? anyways, Jack Bauer, William Wallace in Braveheart, Jesus, I resonate passionately with these men. cheesy i know but oh well, my counselor once told me, "son, I'm starting to get a grasp of who you are, you're a dreamer and romantic" I don't even know what that means, I don't know why I am wired this way, I don't know if all guys are, and I don't know if it's a bad thing, but he saw something. But whether all of that is true or not or just a distorted view of reality, I found myself in a battle. Fighting for something very very important, something that I never dreamed of having to fight this hard for and never imagined it come knocking on my door so quickly. We read about it in books, watch it in movies and in some way all desire to be in it. But it wasn't like the books, it wasn't like the movies, by all angles, in every direction, however you looked at it, I was losing and in my mind, this isn't how it was suppose to be. Selah.
I fell in love with a pretty, charming, fun, full of life single mother. We connected quickly and got married very fast and I moved out to California because she couldn't move to Tx. That's when everything turned upside down on me (or actually before that as well). We experienced some very very trivial things in month one, well basically months 1-the entire time, but I will try to stay away from the specifics because I don't want to air certain things to the public masses in order to protect and maintain some privacy. But let's just say these early trials would have rocked any newlywed foundation and without total commitment to each other, the escape button seemed the easiest way. In month two, threats of an annulment and divorce were made and the next year and a half of my life I focused on saving whatever was left...I knew the covenant I made before God, divorce runs on both sides of my family and I had made up my mind long ago that divorce was not an option for me.
So follow this, all my life I have been performance driven, combine that with a rescuer mentality thrown into this unexpected mess, this chaos and before soon the perfect storm was formed. I began to try everything. I knew my role coming into this as a husband. To love my wife as Christ loves the church, to pursue, to initiate and to die to myself daily. But I cannot even explain accurately in words how hard this truly is...but I went for it with all the tools I had and decided it was worth it. So what do you do when everything you try fails? Nor does is produce or return any favorable results. When apologizing for mistakes, washing the dishes, cleaning house, baby sitting, love notes, prayer, endless prayer day in and day out, assistance from others, counseling, flowers, pursuing when you're literally scared/confused/betrayed, forgiving after your heart was destroyed, getting kicked out in a foreign place and living on your own but still not wanting to give up. still believing, still hoping, still loving. What do you do when none of this works?
Now hear me out, in no way am I claiming to be perfect at all. I am definitely aware of my shortcomings and my baggage brought into the relationship, I found out I have blind spots, say dumb things, cannot meet all needs, am selfish and was quick to begin to tackle these. I'm not claiming she was 100% to be blamed either, that is not my heart in this at any level. I'm just trying to emphasize that each morning, as bad as it was and as bad as the night was before, and as bad as I thought it may be for the next 2o years, I got up ready to fight another day regardless of the circumstance and what I did or didn't know how to do. This is how I am wired, this is how I've responded a majority of my life. I was, in most cases, self sufficient. Most of the time, when I put my attention to something I succeeded, but not this time, not when it mattered most. The ground was falling out from underneath and I came to the point where I didn't know what to do. at all. Surely this has to eventually work, I thought but it didn't. and it was killing me inside, tormenting my thoughts. The harder I fought, the further out I was taken. The longer I fought, the more I tried to save, to change, to control, the deeper I fell. I struggled, tried everything in my power but like quick sand I kept sinking. why wasn't anything working....everything was waging war against me. My own marriage was falling apart and I never thought this was remotely possible...I was being humbled each and everyday, broken down piece by piece, and it was hurting. With tears streaming down my face all I could tell Him was I was sorry.
But this is where God shines, this is when His power, His restoration is made perfect for those who are searching, reaching. 20 years ago He literally saved me when I could not fight the sea any longer, He stepped in and brought me up out of the gloomy water when I finally gave up swimming, took one last breath and truly decided I was at my end. When I let go and said, help! I need you! He didn't delay. The next 12 years or so when I did everything I could to turn from Him, chase my fantasies, my desires, living for me, He never left me. It wasn't based on my performance, what I did or didn't do but based on His love for me. His arm was always outstretched, He was constantly in pursuit. He has a purpose for me whether I see it or not. So why would He bail this time ,when, once again I was completely helpless and needed Him most?! This was the cry of my heart so let's fast forward a couple of months...
I was driving home from work, I had just found out that she had filed the divorce papers and was having a hard time dealing with the reality. However, at this same time, I was also taking a course called Crown Financial and it happened to be the week about God being in Control of everything (how convenient). As the reality and the weight of it actually ending was starting to sink in and I began to quote the memory vs for that week, grasping for any help...I was broken and called out.
"Everything in the Heavens and earth is yours oh Lord, this is Your Kingdom.
We adore you as being in control of everything. Your hand controls power and might and it is at your discretion that men are made great and given strength. "
And for the first time in my life, THE FIRST TIME, it hit me like a flood of water, I grasped spiritually what happened physically that day on the beach, He's got me, even when I'm drowning in my own mess, He's got me. It was almost like He stepped down from Heaven sat in the seat next to me and let me know it was ok. I just have to let go and let Him. And for the first time I didn't feel like I had to do anything. Do you understand how relieving this was for me? I didn't have to perform a certain way to make something happen. I didn't have to be a certain person to be accepted. I understood that He was and always has been in control. He accepts me just as I am. The good grades, giftings, all and every accomplishment were because of Him at His discretion; the marriage failing was not my fault; this news poured over me, washing me from head to toe and it was the most freeing release I have ever felt in my life and I wish I could explain it more vividly so that everyone reading this could experience that same peace because I don't think this portrays accurately what was really happening on the inside.
I drove the rest of the way home with tears of release, His yoke is easy and His burden is light, and the pressure of making it happen, dealing with all the thoughts circulating, all that for the rest of the 45 minute drive home was gone.
In and of myself I couldn't save the marriage. I had tried so hard but it's out of my power. I'm not God. I can't save nor change people as much as I would like to or try. God gives us the freedom to choose and He is the one who does the saving. But I can say something was saved and changed in me and I'm the only person who can change me. What had been created and what existed in me for 26 years came to a crashing halt as I finally understood, the God of the universe being in control and caring about my life. He didn't set things in motion, sit back, fold His arms and watch from a distance but is actively involved in my life. The pride that existed, the I can do it on my own, was destroyed. and it needed to be so that He could increase. The peace that came with that is indescribable and has helped me heal very quickly and experience joy without shame or guilt. Sometimes its hard to deal with the lies that comes with being divorce and what others may think. but once again I cannot control that and choose to move forward...
With all that said, in no way am I advocating or saying God approved of our divorce. because things were bad. I still don't know why things went the way they did, I truly don't. I do have a lot of questions. I believe His perfect will is for two people to stay married because marriage is a very special thing as it represents His covenant with His church. But He also has a heart individually for all of us. I cannot speak for her and where she is, that is between her and God, all I can say is despite my situation, my mistakes, when I needed Him, He rescued and used the storm to shape me for my good and His glory and for that I am thankful and look to Him more and more each day as I realize this is not about me. I have learned a lot. We have to lay down all expectation when entering into marriage. It's just a person we are marrying. They can't complete us, fix us or create utopia and whatever story or movie we have watched that says they can. Are wrong. But by placing our hope and commitment in Him as Savior in good times and bad, and dealing with our junk appropriately; we can be blessed with someone to truly enjoy life with...He is the author of life.
thanks for reading
