Knots in the stomach, increased breathing and a quickened heart rate. A pause at the intersection in the road. A decision to be made. What once wasn’t, now is. What once was effortless is now tainted with fear. Where oh fear did you leave your mark, when did your nasty bite leave it’s impression…
The grind of plastic on pavement, the extra friction from the tripod of assembled tires, if we had to be honest…wasn’t bringing sexy back. Most have gone before me already and taken that risky step forward where balance meets gravity to glide rhythmically or crash mercilessly. Training wheels served their purpose temporarily, but it was time for that next step in the progression of every boy’s life. The drive to succeed would carry me through bloodied knees and elbows. Life constantly challenges us to measure costs with outcome and desires. My desire was to keep up with the rest of the boys; to step into more freedom and discover a concealed identity. I decided it was worth it, but I wasn’t aware that more risks and more dangers come with each step forward…
It was a straight shot down the street for me to ride my bike directly to my cousin’s house. The bike offered a quicker means to my enjoyment. I no longer had to wait or rely on my mother’s vehicle. At her permission, and perhaps sometimes not, I was out the door doing 10 ok maybe 7mph, depending on the side cramp, to conquer Santa Fe until it got dark and I had to come home. Not only did I not need my mother’s vehicle to get me to my destination but had also gotten rid of the annoying plastic grinders at this point, but one obstacle still remained. Cujo, or how I refer to him now.
About half way in between our houses there was a rather large dog, or hybrid of dog and T-rex, who served to guard his territory via lock and chain. He however, had no regard for the chain and would run ferociously towards me at every pass. My little legs would carry me as quickly as they could and I would not relax until the chain would catch and jerk him back. One night I’m coming back from my cousins minding my own business, wind blowing through my hair sun setting behind me. Usual routine, look for cujo, hope he’s sleeping but if not, I pick up the pace. Same thing begins: cujo barks, comes running at me, but this time there is no jerk. No twist of the body due to forward momentum being pulled back by the chain. Instead, he snapped the chain and keeps coming directly at me. I don’t have much time to think because by this time he is almost on me and so as my flight and fight syndrome kick in I scream at the top of my girlish boy voice (hey I’m only like 6) “STTTTUUUUUPPPPPPIIIIIID”!!!! No lie. I scream so loud that I think it confuses him and he ends up running right by my back tire into the ditch and the owner comes out of the house and calls him back.
But the damage had already been done. It scared me man. I mean of course to my boys I have to pretend and say something like he’s lucky the owner came out because I was just about to get off my bike and show him who is boss in this neighborhood. But in reality deep down, fear had crept in…
So now when I would go to my cousin’s house, instead of taking the shortest most direct route, I would circle all away around the neighborhood to avoid the beast. This event had re-wired my thinking and had entered, re-routed and effected a large part of my life.
But is this not what fear does to us all? Does it not take what once was easy and straight forward and then complicated it by adding this heavy weight? Instead of taking what was once the quickest and most direct path to where we are going, do we not now plan around in advance to protect ourselves? I mean insert fear here. Afraid to fly? Do you not have to drive or skip out on distant trips? Broken heart in relationships? Do you not create a new route, a new way of dealing with this pain for the next relationship? So these events, whatever they may be that causes fear, do alter the way we see and perceive the world around us…
So back to the story…No I’m not afraid of dogs anymore. I don’t break out in sweats, freak out and call ahead to my friends every time I want to come over asking them to pen up Benji lest he take out my ankles and leave me lame. Did it just magically go away? It didn’t do that either, but rather I had to face it.
First I had to admit to my mom that I was afraid and that I didn’t like going over to my cousins and if I did I would take the long way around. Then in wisdom and love (bless mother’s hearts) she knew this behavior if left unchecked or dealt with would become a serious issues. So she would start to go with me. Once I was felt comfortable with that, now she just had to watch me from the end of the driveway and eventually I only had to call once I arrived until the fear was no longer there…
If my earthly parent, limited in love, was able to see and know that it was not in my best interest to live with this fear how much more does our Father in Heaven love and want the same for us? So that when he sees us in our secret, knows our inner thoughts and our deepest fears, is it not in love that He would extend His hand and say “Let’s do this together. At your pace, but I’m not going anywhere.”
