Knots in the stomach, increased breathing and a quickened heart rate. A pause at the intersection in the road. A decision to be made. What once wasn’t, now is. What once was effortless is now tainted with fear. Where oh fear did you leave your mark, when did your nasty bite leave it’s impression…
The grind of plastic on pavement, the extra friction from the tripod of assembled tires, if we had to be honest…wasn’t bringing sexy back. Most have gone before me already and taken that risky step forward where balance meets gravity to glide rhythmically or crash mercilessly. Training wheels served their purpose temporarily, but it was time for that next step in the progression of every boy’s life. The drive to succeed would carry me through bloodied knees and elbows. Life constantly challenges us to measure costs with outcome and desires. My desire was to keep up with the rest of the boys; to step into more freedom and discover a concealed identity. I decided it was worth it, but I wasn’t aware that more risks and more dangers come with each step forward…
It was a straight shot down the street for me to ride my bike directly to my cousin’s house. The bike offered a quicker means to my enjoyment. I no longer had to wait or rely on my mother’s vehicle. At her permission, and perhaps sometimes not, I was out the door doing 10 ok maybe 7mph, depending on the side cramp, to conquer Santa Fe until it got dark and I had to come home. Not only did I not need my mother’s vehicle to get me to my destination but had also gotten rid of the annoying plastic grinders at this point, but one obstacle still remained. Cujo, or how I refer to him now.
About half way in between our houses there was a rather large dog, or hybrid of dog and T-rex, who served to guard his territory via lock and chain. He however, had no regard for the chain and would run ferociously towards me at every pass. My little legs would carry me as quickly as they could and I would not relax until the chain would catch and jerk him back. One night I’m coming back from my cousins minding my own business, wind blowing through my hair sun setting behind me. Usual routine, look for cujo, hope he’s sleeping but if not, I pick up the pace. Same thing begins: cujo barks, comes running at me, but this time there is no jerk. No twist of the body due to forward momentum being pulled back by the chain. Instead, he snapped the chain and keeps coming directly at me. I don’t have much time to think because by this time he is almost on me and so as my flight and fight syndrome kick in I scream at the top of my girlish boy voice (hey I’m only like 6) “STTTTUUUUUPPPPPPIIIIIID”!!!! No lie. I scream so loud that I think it confuses him and he ends up running right by my back tire into the ditch and the owner comes out of the house and calls him back.
But the damage had already been done. It scared me man. I mean of course to my boys I have to pretend and say something like he’s lucky the owner came out because I was just about to get off my bike and show him who is boss in this neighborhood. But in reality deep down, fear had crept in…
So now when I would go to my cousin’s house, instead of taking the shortest most direct route, I would circle all away around the neighborhood to avoid the beast. This event had re-wired my thinking and had entered, re-routed and effected a large part of my life.
But is this not what fear does to us all? Does it not take what once was easy and straight forward and then complicated it by adding this heavy weight? Instead of taking what was once the quickest and most direct path to where we are going, do we not now plan around in advance to protect ourselves? I mean insert fear here. Afraid to fly? Do you not have to drive or skip out on distant trips? Broken heart in relationships? Do you not create a new route, a new way of dealing with this pain for the next relationship? So these events, whatever they may be that causes fear, do alter the way we see and perceive the world around us…
So back to the story…No I’m not afraid of dogs anymore. I don’t break out in sweats, freak out and call ahead to my friends every time I want to come over asking them to pen up Benji lest he take out my ankles and leave me lame. Did it just magically go away? It didn’t do that either, but rather I had to face it.
First I had to admit to my mom that I was afraid and that I didn’t like going over to my cousins and if I did I would take the long way around. Then in wisdom and love (bless mother’s hearts) she knew this behavior if left unchecked or dealt with would become a serious issues. So she would start to go with me. Once I was felt comfortable with that, now she just had to watch me from the end of the driveway and eventually I only had to call once I arrived until the fear was no longer there…
If my earthly parent, limited in love, was able to see and know that it was not in my best interest to live with this fear how much more does our Father in Heaven love and want the same for us? So that when he sees us in our secret, knows our inner thoughts and our deepest fears, is it not in love that He would extend His hand and say “Let’s do this together. At your pace, but I’m not going anywhere.”
Friday, May 14, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Learning to Let Go Part 1
Growing up as the youngest boy amongst my brother, relatives and neighborhood kids, I was forced to learn how to do things quickly or I'd be left behind. I didn't enjoy games such as tag/chase because I was the slowest (shorter legs, dont hate) and if I got tagged then it would most likely remain that way until someone felt sorry for me or I quit. If we played hide-n-seek, my survival depended on a good hiding spot because I couldn't rely on my speed to take me to the safety of base. There were many times when the game would be over and I would still be left in my hiding spot, punks...training wheels were not an option for me, those extra plastic wheels only slowed me down on my bicycle, therefore it was push and crash until I succeeded.
These events and circumstances early in life formed a lot of my personality that has carried into who I am now and why I do certain things. Competitive, self sufficient, hard on myself and wanting to come out on top. In some areas it has proved beneficial i.e. sports and academics but in other areas it can be a flaw.
I recall one summer day when I was around 8 or so that "trying to keep up" put me into a lot of danger. It was a family/friends outing to the one and only "beautiful" coast of Galveston TX...After being covered in sunscreen by a persistent mother I proceeded to follow the older boys into the water. Let me remind you that the gulf is not a transparent crystal blue water, but more an eerie brownish green infested with seaweed and jellyfish. However, I didn't have time to think about that. My mother warned me not to go out too deep, but I quickly ignored her and was off to the races fighting through the waves in order to stay with the rowdy crowd.
After body surfing in the waves for a bit, the older stronger boys decided to make a swim for the second sand bar. One by one they went further and further until I could only see them bobbing up and down with the waves as they made a swim for their destination. I look around, notice that I was the only one left and had two choices: stay in the shallows all by myself or make a mad swim with everyone else. So I begin to inch myself deeper and deeper, bouncing up and down with the waves, still at a place where I could stand with my head above water. Pretty soon though, the receding tide was pulling me against my will, I am drifting now, deeper and deeper. I start swimming now, discover my undeveloped arms are no match for the crashing waves. I am taken further and further away from the shore and now I begin to panic as I frantically struggle in the grips of an undertow. I scream for help towards the older boys but my cries are only drowned out by the waves and salty water filling my mouth. My survival skills kick in and I use all my energy to keep my head from going under, the harder I fought, the further I went out. Exhausted, many different thoughts start going through my mind and I begin to believe...this is it, gone in the murky waters of galveston. Seriously, I decided to just stop fighting, took a deep breath, went under water and went limp. I remember praying, God if you're listening and watching, I need your help. I am helpless and cannot do this on my own...
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
Submerged, I was being tossed to and fro with the waves and current. I had no idea where I was in reference to the shore anymore, I was at the mercy of the sea. As my lungs begin to hurt, I get this feeling inside saying come up once more. I push off the bottom, break through the surface and fill my lungs with much needed oxygen. But to my surprise I wasn't fighting the current anymore, I was standing on solid ground, water up to my chest. Alive.
These events and circumstances early in life formed a lot of my personality that has carried into who I am now and why I do certain things. Competitive, self sufficient, hard on myself and wanting to come out on top. In some areas it has proved beneficial i.e. sports and academics but in other areas it can be a flaw.
I recall one summer day when I was around 8 or so that "trying to keep up" put me into a lot of danger. It was a family/friends outing to the one and only "beautiful" coast of Galveston TX...After being covered in sunscreen by a persistent mother I proceeded to follow the older boys into the water. Let me remind you that the gulf is not a transparent crystal blue water, but more an eerie brownish green infested with seaweed and jellyfish. However, I didn't have time to think about that. My mother warned me not to go out too deep, but I quickly ignored her and was off to the races fighting through the waves in order to stay with the rowdy crowd.
After body surfing in the waves for a bit, the older stronger boys decided to make a swim for the second sand bar. One by one they went further and further until I could only see them bobbing up and down with the waves as they made a swim for their destination. I look around, notice that I was the only one left and had two choices: stay in the shallows all by myself or make a mad swim with everyone else. So I begin to inch myself deeper and deeper, bouncing up and down with the waves, still at a place where I could stand with my head above water. Pretty soon though, the receding tide was pulling me against my will, I am drifting now, deeper and deeper. I start swimming now, discover my undeveloped arms are no match for the crashing waves. I am taken further and further away from the shore and now I begin to panic as I frantically struggle in the grips of an undertow. I scream for help towards the older boys but my cries are only drowned out by the waves and salty water filling my mouth. My survival skills kick in and I use all my energy to keep my head from going under, the harder I fought, the further I went out. Exhausted, many different thoughts start going through my mind and I begin to believe...this is it, gone in the murky waters of galveston. Seriously, I decided to just stop fighting, took a deep breath, went under water and went limp. I remember praying, God if you're listening and watching, I need your help. I am helpless and cannot do this on my own...
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
Submerged, I was being tossed to and fro with the waves and current. I had no idea where I was in reference to the shore anymore, I was at the mercy of the sea. As my lungs begin to hurt, I get this feeling inside saying come up once more. I push off the bottom, break through the surface and fill my lungs with much needed oxygen. But to my surprise I wasn't fighting the current anymore, I was standing on solid ground, water up to my chest. Alive.
Building Character Part 2
...I apologize for not finishing sooner (and if you have no clue what I'm talking about you probably shouldn't continue reading this until you finish part 1, I'm just saying). The irony, however, is the connection between what happened 20 years ago on the beach to what prompted me to even tell that crazy story took much longer, hurt much more than the week I've left you hanging....so I withdraw my apology.
So obviously my life was spared, I didn't get dragged out to sea, didn't meet Ariel...even though that would have been tight... and I'm not using the Apostle Paul's keyboard in Heaven finishing this blog. I'm in Colorado, worked hard for the past two days without much sleep and now relaxing in a hotel room in the middle of no where praying I don't get bed bugs. I'm tired and this may not make much sense but I'll give it a shot... so hang with me and hopefully it will all come together in the end.
Life didn't slow down, it continued. I got older but my ways of thinking/behaving were already deeply ingrained and established. In fact, I read that 85% of your personality is formed between the ages of 2-6 so I guess it will take more than a drowning scare to change how I was already being shaped (not to mention I'm stubborn as well ;). Anyways with that said, even though I grew taller and faster as I adjusted to an embarrassing squeaky voice, side note: that's just an awkward time of life as it is, my performance driven attitude was already being solidified. I succeeded in school; I worked hard in athletics and won starting positions each year in the prestigious game of Texas football; I became very competitive, never wanting to fail. There was always more to attain, more room for improvement, something else to try. If I performed below my standards I would quickly adapt in order to not make the same mistake again. My life was driven by constant analysis of performance and results, finishing ahead always the priority.
For example, I remember my first semester at Baylor.
ahhhh the life of a freshman as we perceive. Finally I wasn't governed by parents, sports and doing well in school to get into a good college, I just wanted to kick back and enjoy the freedom of being an adolescent out on my own, girls and partying were at the focus. I only wanted to study enough and do well enough to keep my scholarship which was maintaining a 3.2 gpa. However, when grades came back at the end of the semester I made a 3.9!?! Most would be happy with this and I was, but due to my insanity, now I knew what I was capable of making. The bar was set. So therefore the rest of what was suppose to be the "good life" would be offset by studying to maintain or improve my 3.9, but that's another story....
I tell all of this for a reason, not to boast by any means but hoping to paint a small picture. To bring up memories, a mold, the route I traveled, who I am, why I made the choices I made, for better or worse. Because without the smallest idea of the author, then me explaining this next event will only be words on a screen to you. It will be lifeless and only a simple reading, but to me it was much more, it was real. It was life, my life crashing against something out of my control. For those who know me, you probably know exactly what I am getting to...a storm, a sea, it blind sided me and caught me quick and I didn't know what to do....it's late, im tired. will finish later....
So obviously my life was spared, I didn't get dragged out to sea, didn't meet Ariel...even though that would have been tight... and I'm not using the Apostle Paul's keyboard in Heaven finishing this blog. I'm in Colorado, worked hard for the past two days without much sleep and now relaxing in a hotel room in the middle of no where praying I don't get bed bugs. I'm tired and this may not make much sense but I'll give it a shot... so hang with me and hopefully it will all come together in the end.
Life didn't slow down, it continued. I got older but my ways of thinking/behaving were already deeply ingrained and established. In fact, I read that 85% of your personality is formed between the ages of 2-6 so I guess it will take more than a drowning scare to change how I was already being shaped (not to mention I'm stubborn as well ;). Anyways with that said, even though I grew taller and faster as I adjusted to an embarrassing squeaky voice, side note: that's just an awkward time of life as it is, my performance driven attitude was already being solidified. I succeeded in school; I worked hard in athletics and won starting positions each year in the prestigious game of Texas football; I became very competitive, never wanting to fail. There was always more to attain, more room for improvement, something else to try. If I performed below my standards I would quickly adapt in order to not make the same mistake again. My life was driven by constant analysis of performance and results, finishing ahead always the priority.
For example, I remember my first semester at Baylor.
ahhhh the life of a freshman as we perceive. Finally I wasn't governed by parents, sports and doing well in school to get into a good college, I just wanted to kick back and enjoy the freedom of being an adolescent out on my own, girls and partying were at the focus. I only wanted to study enough and do well enough to keep my scholarship which was maintaining a 3.2 gpa. However, when grades came back at the end of the semester I made a 3.9!?! Most would be happy with this and I was, but due to my insanity, now I knew what I was capable of making. The bar was set. So therefore the rest of what was suppose to be the "good life" would be offset by studying to maintain or improve my 3.9, but that's another story....
I tell all of this for a reason, not to boast by any means but hoping to paint a small picture. To bring up memories, a mold, the route I traveled, who I am, why I made the choices I made, for better or worse. Because without the smallest idea of the author, then me explaining this next event will only be words on a screen to you. It will be lifeless and only a simple reading, but to me it was much more, it was real. It was life, my life crashing against something out of my control. For those who know me, you probably know exactly what I am getting to...a storm, a sea, it blind sided me and caught me quick and I didn't know what to do....it's late, im tired. will finish later....
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Restoration (Part 3)
Alright, alright I know this says part 3 and many will be tempted to start here and decide whether or not to read the other two (below), but that doesn't make sense...unless you are one of those people who skip to the last chapter to see what happens at the end of the book! shame on you ha! or you may scroll down and decide it's too long and don't have the time. I tried my best to set it up so that it flows in the direction of 1-3 not 3,2,1 so it probably won't make much sense to read this one first...and this is just the way it falls on the screen, sorry.
Ok I'm stalling because honestly I'm hesitant about writing this last part. I have a lot of anxiety; It requires humility, honesty and exposing some difficult things that I really don't know if I want to make public and would probably prefer to hide, but I know its fear of what others will think that's causing me to procrastinate and ramble so I must face it. I feel prompted to share for whatever reason, in hopes that through my weakness, my experience He will be glorified, others may learn something... So let me attempt to set this up once more...
I'm wired to be a rescuer, what can I say? It flows freely throughout my veins and has as long as I can remember. When I was put together in my mother's womb I got an extra injection of chivalry or something I guess?!? Seriously when I was five or so and just beginning to understand God and prayer, I would pray that He would make me the strongest man in the world every night, without the huge muscles and protruding veins like a body builder of course, so that I could be a hero one day. Why? Why at such a young age did I wish this? anyways, Jack Bauer, William Wallace in Braveheart, Jesus, I resonate passionately with these men. cheesy i know but oh well, my counselor once told me, "son, I'm starting to get a grasp of who you are, you're a dreamer and romantic" I don't even know what that means, I don't know why I am wired this way, I don't know if all guys are, and I don't know if it's a bad thing, but he saw something. But whether all of that is true or not or just a distorted view of reality, I found myself in a battle. Fighting for something very very important, something that I never dreamed of having to fight this hard for and never imagined it come knocking on my door so quickly. We read about it in books, watch it in movies and in some way all desire to be in it. But it wasn't like the books, it wasn't like the movies, by all angles, in every direction, however you looked at it, I was losing and in my mind, this isn't how it was suppose to be. Selah.
I fell in love with a pretty, charming, fun, full of life single mother. We connected quickly and got married very fast and I moved out to California because she couldn't move to Tx. That's when everything turned upside down on me (or actually before that as well). We experienced some very very trivial things in month one, well basically months 1-the entire time, but I will try to stay away from the specifics because I don't want to air certain things to the public masses in order to protect and maintain some privacy. But let's just say these early trials would have rocked any newlywed foundation and without total commitment to each other, the escape button seemed the easiest way. In month two, threats of an annulment and divorce were made and the next year and a half of my life I focused on saving whatever was left...I knew the covenant I made before God, divorce runs on both sides of my family and I had made up my mind long ago that divorce was not an option for me.
So follow this, all my life I have been performance driven, combine that with a rescuer mentality thrown into this unexpected mess, this chaos and before soon the perfect storm was formed. I began to try everything. I knew my role coming into this as a husband. To love my wife as Christ loves the church, to pursue, to initiate and to die to myself daily. But I cannot even explain accurately in words how hard this truly is...but I went for it with all the tools I had and decided it was worth it. So what do you do when everything you try fails? Nor does is produce or return any favorable results. When apologizing for mistakes, washing the dishes, cleaning house, baby sitting, love notes, prayer, endless prayer day in and day out, assistance from others, counseling, flowers, pursuing when you're literally scared/confused/betrayed, forgiving after your heart was destroyed, getting kicked out in a foreign place and living on your own but still not wanting to give up. still believing, still hoping, still loving. What do you do when none of this works?
Now hear me out, in no way am I claiming to be perfect at all. I am definitely aware of my shortcomings and my baggage brought into the relationship, I found out I have blind spots, say dumb things, cannot meet all needs, am selfish and was quick to begin to tackle these. I'm not claiming she was 100% to be blamed either, that is not my heart in this at any level. I'm just trying to emphasize that each morning, as bad as it was and as bad as the night was before, and as bad as I thought it may be for the next 2o years, I got up ready to fight another day regardless of the circumstance and what I did or didn't know how to do. This is how I am wired, this is how I've responded a majority of my life. I was, in most cases, self sufficient. Most of the time, when I put my attention to something I succeeded, but not this time, not when it mattered most. The ground was falling out from underneath and I came to the point where I didn't know what to do. at all. Surely this has to eventually work, I thought but it didn't. and it was killing me inside, tormenting my thoughts. The harder I fought, the further out I was taken. The longer I fought, the more I tried to save, to change, to control, the deeper I fell. I struggled, tried everything in my power but like quick sand I kept sinking. why wasn't anything working....everything was waging war against me. My own marriage was falling apart and I never thought this was remotely possible...I was being humbled each and everyday, broken down piece by piece, and it was hurting. With tears streaming down my face all I could tell Him was I was sorry.
But this is where God shines, this is when His power, His restoration is made perfect for those who are searching, reaching. 20 years ago He literally saved me when I could not fight the sea any longer, He stepped in and brought me up out of the gloomy water when I finally gave up swimming, took one last breath and truly decided I was at my end. When I let go and said, help! I need you! He didn't delay. The next 12 years or so when I did everything I could to turn from Him, chase my fantasies, my desires, living for me, He never left me. It wasn't based on my performance, what I did or didn't do but based on His love for me. His arm was always outstretched, He was constantly in pursuit. He has a purpose for me whether I see it or not. So why would He bail this time ,when, once again I was completely helpless and needed Him most?! This was the cry of my heart so let's fast forward a couple of months...
I was driving home from work, I had just found out that she had filed the divorce papers and was having a hard time dealing with the reality. However, at this same time, I was also taking a course called Crown Financial and it happened to be the week about God being in Control of everything (how convenient). As the reality and the weight of it actually ending was starting to sink in and I began to quote the memory vs for that week, grasping for any help...I was broken and called out.
"Everything in the Heavens and earth is yours oh Lord, this is Your Kingdom.
We adore you as being in control of everything. Your hand controls power and might and it is at your discretion that men are made great and given strength. "
And for the first time in my life, THE FIRST TIME, it hit me like a flood of water, I grasped spiritually what happened physically that day on the beach, He's got me, even when I'm drowning in my own mess, He's got me. It was almost like He stepped down from Heaven sat in the seat next to me and let me know it was ok. I just have to let go and let Him. And for the first time I didn't feel like I had to do anything. Do you understand how relieving this was for me? I didn't have to perform a certain way to make something happen. I didn't have to be a certain person to be accepted. I understood that He was and always has been in control. He accepts me just as I am. The good grades, giftings, all and every accomplishment were because of Him at His discretion; the marriage failing was not my fault; this news poured over me, washing me from head to toe and it was the most freeing release I have ever felt in my life and I wish I could explain it more vividly so that everyone reading this could experience that same peace because I don't think this portrays accurately what was really happening on the inside.
I drove the rest of the way home with tears of release, His yoke is easy and His burden is light, and the pressure of making it happen, dealing with all the thoughts circulating, all that for the rest of the 45 minute drive home was gone.
In and of myself I couldn't save the marriage. I had tried so hard but it's out of my power. I'm not God. I can't save nor change people as much as I would like to or try. God gives us the freedom to choose and He is the one who does the saving. But I can say something was saved and changed in me and I'm the only person who can change me. What had been created and what existed in me for 26 years came to a crashing halt as I finally understood, the God of the universe being in control and caring about my life. He didn't set things in motion, sit back, fold His arms and watch from a distance but is actively involved in my life. The pride that existed, the I can do it on my own, was destroyed. and it needed to be so that He could increase. The peace that came with that is indescribable and has helped me heal very quickly and experience joy without shame or guilt. Sometimes its hard to deal with the lies that comes with being divorce and what others may think. but once again I cannot control that and choose to move forward...
With all that said, in no way am I advocating or saying God approved of our divorce. because things were bad. I still don't know why things went the way they did, I truly don't. I do have a lot of questions. I believe His perfect will is for two people to stay married because marriage is a very special thing as it represents His covenant with His church. But He also has a heart individually for all of us. I cannot speak for her and where she is, that is between her and God, all I can say is despite my situation, my mistakes, when I needed Him, He rescued and used the storm to shape me for my good and His glory and for that I am thankful and look to Him more and more each day as I realize this is not about me. I have learned a lot. We have to lay down all expectation when entering into marriage. It's just a person we are marrying. They can't complete us, fix us or create utopia and whatever story or movie we have watched that says they can. Are wrong. But by placing our hope and commitment in Him as Savior in good times and bad, and dealing with our junk appropriately; we can be blessed with someone to truly enjoy life with...He is the author of life.
thanks for reading
Ok I'm stalling because honestly I'm hesitant about writing this last part. I have a lot of anxiety; It requires humility, honesty and exposing some difficult things that I really don't know if I want to make public and would probably prefer to hide, but I know its fear of what others will think that's causing me to procrastinate and ramble so I must face it. I feel prompted to share for whatever reason, in hopes that through my weakness, my experience He will be glorified, others may learn something... So let me attempt to set this up once more...
I'm wired to be a rescuer, what can I say? It flows freely throughout my veins and has as long as I can remember. When I was put together in my mother's womb I got an extra injection of chivalry or something I guess?!? Seriously when I was five or so and just beginning to understand God and prayer, I would pray that He would make me the strongest man in the world every night, without the huge muscles and protruding veins like a body builder of course, so that I could be a hero one day. Why? Why at such a young age did I wish this? anyways, Jack Bauer, William Wallace in Braveheart, Jesus, I resonate passionately with these men. cheesy i know but oh well, my counselor once told me, "son, I'm starting to get a grasp of who you are, you're a dreamer and romantic" I don't even know what that means, I don't know why I am wired this way, I don't know if all guys are, and I don't know if it's a bad thing, but he saw something. But whether all of that is true or not or just a distorted view of reality, I found myself in a battle. Fighting for something very very important, something that I never dreamed of having to fight this hard for and never imagined it come knocking on my door so quickly. We read about it in books, watch it in movies and in some way all desire to be in it. But it wasn't like the books, it wasn't like the movies, by all angles, in every direction, however you looked at it, I was losing and in my mind, this isn't how it was suppose to be. Selah.
I fell in love with a pretty, charming, fun, full of life single mother. We connected quickly and got married very fast and I moved out to California because she couldn't move to Tx. That's when everything turned upside down on me (or actually before that as well). We experienced some very very trivial things in month one, well basically months 1-the entire time, but I will try to stay away from the specifics because I don't want to air certain things to the public masses in order to protect and maintain some privacy. But let's just say these early trials would have rocked any newlywed foundation and without total commitment to each other, the escape button seemed the easiest way. In month two, threats of an annulment and divorce were made and the next year and a half of my life I focused on saving whatever was left...I knew the covenant I made before God, divorce runs on both sides of my family and I had made up my mind long ago that divorce was not an option for me.
So follow this, all my life I have been performance driven, combine that with a rescuer mentality thrown into this unexpected mess, this chaos and before soon the perfect storm was formed. I began to try everything. I knew my role coming into this as a husband. To love my wife as Christ loves the church, to pursue, to initiate and to die to myself daily. But I cannot even explain accurately in words how hard this truly is...but I went for it with all the tools I had and decided it was worth it. So what do you do when everything you try fails? Nor does is produce or return any favorable results. When apologizing for mistakes, washing the dishes, cleaning house, baby sitting, love notes, prayer, endless prayer day in and day out, assistance from others, counseling, flowers, pursuing when you're literally scared/confused/betrayed, forgiving after your heart was destroyed, getting kicked out in a foreign place and living on your own but still not wanting to give up. still believing, still hoping, still loving. What do you do when none of this works?
Now hear me out, in no way am I claiming to be perfect at all. I am definitely aware of my shortcomings and my baggage brought into the relationship, I found out I have blind spots, say dumb things, cannot meet all needs, am selfish and was quick to begin to tackle these. I'm not claiming she was 100% to be blamed either, that is not my heart in this at any level. I'm just trying to emphasize that each morning, as bad as it was and as bad as the night was before, and as bad as I thought it may be for the next 2o years, I got up ready to fight another day regardless of the circumstance and what I did or didn't know how to do. This is how I am wired, this is how I've responded a majority of my life. I was, in most cases, self sufficient. Most of the time, when I put my attention to something I succeeded, but not this time, not when it mattered most. The ground was falling out from underneath and I came to the point where I didn't know what to do. at all. Surely this has to eventually work, I thought but it didn't. and it was killing me inside, tormenting my thoughts. The harder I fought, the further out I was taken. The longer I fought, the more I tried to save, to change, to control, the deeper I fell. I struggled, tried everything in my power but like quick sand I kept sinking. why wasn't anything working....everything was waging war against me. My own marriage was falling apart and I never thought this was remotely possible...I was being humbled each and everyday, broken down piece by piece, and it was hurting. With tears streaming down my face all I could tell Him was I was sorry.
But this is where God shines, this is when His power, His restoration is made perfect for those who are searching, reaching. 20 years ago He literally saved me when I could not fight the sea any longer, He stepped in and brought me up out of the gloomy water when I finally gave up swimming, took one last breath and truly decided I was at my end. When I let go and said, help! I need you! He didn't delay. The next 12 years or so when I did everything I could to turn from Him, chase my fantasies, my desires, living for me, He never left me. It wasn't based on my performance, what I did or didn't do but based on His love for me. His arm was always outstretched, He was constantly in pursuit. He has a purpose for me whether I see it or not. So why would He bail this time ,when, once again I was completely helpless and needed Him most?! This was the cry of my heart so let's fast forward a couple of months...
I was driving home from work, I had just found out that she had filed the divorce papers and was having a hard time dealing with the reality. However, at this same time, I was also taking a course called Crown Financial and it happened to be the week about God being in Control of everything (how convenient). As the reality and the weight of it actually ending was starting to sink in and I began to quote the memory vs for that week, grasping for any help...I was broken and called out.
"Everything in the Heavens and earth is yours oh Lord, this is Your Kingdom.
We adore you as being in control of everything. Your hand controls power and might and it is at your discretion that men are made great and given strength. "
And for the first time in my life, THE FIRST TIME, it hit me like a flood of water, I grasped spiritually what happened physically that day on the beach, He's got me, even when I'm drowning in my own mess, He's got me. It was almost like He stepped down from Heaven sat in the seat next to me and let me know it was ok. I just have to let go and let Him. And for the first time I didn't feel like I had to do anything. Do you understand how relieving this was for me? I didn't have to perform a certain way to make something happen. I didn't have to be a certain person to be accepted. I understood that He was and always has been in control. He accepts me just as I am. The good grades, giftings, all and every accomplishment were because of Him at His discretion; the marriage failing was not my fault; this news poured over me, washing me from head to toe and it was the most freeing release I have ever felt in my life and I wish I could explain it more vividly so that everyone reading this could experience that same peace because I don't think this portrays accurately what was really happening on the inside.
I drove the rest of the way home with tears of release, His yoke is easy and His burden is light, and the pressure of making it happen, dealing with all the thoughts circulating, all that for the rest of the 45 minute drive home was gone.
In and of myself I couldn't save the marriage. I had tried so hard but it's out of my power. I'm not God. I can't save nor change people as much as I would like to or try. God gives us the freedom to choose and He is the one who does the saving. But I can say something was saved and changed in me and I'm the only person who can change me. What had been created and what existed in me for 26 years came to a crashing halt as I finally understood, the God of the universe being in control and caring about my life. He didn't set things in motion, sit back, fold His arms and watch from a distance but is actively involved in my life. The pride that existed, the I can do it on my own, was destroyed. and it needed to be so that He could increase. The peace that came with that is indescribable and has helped me heal very quickly and experience joy without shame or guilt. Sometimes its hard to deal with the lies that comes with being divorce and what others may think. but once again I cannot control that and choose to move forward...
With all that said, in no way am I advocating or saying God approved of our divorce. because things were bad. I still don't know why things went the way they did, I truly don't. I do have a lot of questions. I believe His perfect will is for two people to stay married because marriage is a very special thing as it represents His covenant with His church. But He also has a heart individually for all of us. I cannot speak for her and where she is, that is between her and God, all I can say is despite my situation, my mistakes, when I needed Him, He rescued and used the storm to shape me for my good and His glory and for that I am thankful and look to Him more and more each day as I realize this is not about me. I have learned a lot. We have to lay down all expectation when entering into marriage. It's just a person we are marrying. They can't complete us, fix us or create utopia and whatever story or movie we have watched that says they can. Are wrong. But by placing our hope and commitment in Him as Savior in good times and bad, and dealing with our junk appropriately; we can be blessed with someone to truly enjoy life with...He is the author of life.
thanks for reading
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