Getting out of the Desert

Ok so after camp.
I'm not quite sure why all of a sudden this Jesus thing started to make sense to me. But for some reason the light bulb came on while I was at camp and I made a huge switch from treating church religiously to wanting to know my creator. Before, I looked at church as a huge social gathering of hypocrites and a bunch of rules and I wanted nothing to do with it. At camp I saw that christians could have fun, they were full of life, joy, peace and they actually cared about my life...I dove deeper into the Word and God began to open my eyes, my heart to see and view things much different than I had before. I had been to many church retreats, camps and conferences growing up; heard tons of good speakers and worshiped to some great music. But it was not these things that brought me to the feet of Jesus. It was serving, being ripped open and exposed, trying to pour into the lives of 10-11 year old boys at camp. I had always struggled with patience before and since God "blessed" me with a cabin of delinquents all diagnosed with a severe case of ADD, I had to rely on Jesus. I desperately wanted to make a difference in these kid's lives (without killing them in the process, love hate, you counselors can relate =). I don't know if I ever did, but I know they helped rescue me from a well known path of darkness, self seeking, unrighteous life of debauchery.

Camp ended. Returned back to school and I knew my lifestyles had to change. I didn't know how to do it so the only thing that made sense to me was to do the opposite of everything I was doing before, right? Go to church, stop drinking, don't date...etc. I became very legalistic and did not know how to walk out my new faith. I loved college worship on Wednesday nights! Seriously, I was like a little kid waiting for Christmas, as each Wednesday approached. This first year was definitely a honey moon experience for me. God was so real, so close. My emotions were different. I was passionate, excited to let everyone know about God, but didn't really know what to say. My friends (fraternity) did not understand my change. I went from being the life of the party (well still danced and had a good time) to the sober individual.
Faced a lot of different persecution and rejection but God also did many good things with new relationships/friendships being formed.

Of course I had to go back again to camp the next summer and this year I was sooooo stoked on the way there! Got there saw tons of old friends and this time I was part of bringing the joy! It's weird how God's timing works out...

I was on my day off with another counselor, we were out enjoying our day away from camp, and finally get to the city where our cell phones can get reception. I check my VM and as soon as my mom starts talking, I can hear it in her voice that something was wrong. She and my dad were separating. I had no clue. I had been removed from my house for two years now. I mean I always thought their relationship was different but I never assumed they would get a divorce. I immediately began to blame my father for all of this. If he would have only done this.this.this. and the list went on. I called her we talked about things. and I was left at camp to try and process through things. My faith was very strong at the time and I truly believed in Gods power to restore not only their marriage but my dad's absence as a father. I was like Go God, convict him make him change...and the next time I had a day off I get a call that my childhood dog passed away!? I was like what the heck is going on here!

Ok I'll speed things up.

Anyways. School/job became very demanding that year and I wasn't able to attend the college worship on wed nights as much. I was leaning on that for my spiritual filling so I quickly took a slide backwards. Come summer, before my senior year I was dealing with some issues about what I wanted to do with my future. I was also 21 now and the bar scene was new. Got caught into that for about a month but quickly felt the convicting power of the Spirit and changed that habit. This season back was different. It wasn't filled with the new sensation and fervency that I had the previous year. It was difficult, old temptations were creeping in and seemed to always be just around the corner. But this season was just as important if not more important than any other...and as I was reading Matthew just the other week I finally saw why.

Jesus was baptized by John at the end of chapter 3, then following His baptism we find that in chapter 4 "Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. 2After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry." This period of temptation, the desert, was not out of disobedience but something established by the Spirit specifically for a reason. I believe this point is very pivotal and crucial leading into the rest of Jesus' ministry. It is after the resistance of temptation, overcoming Satan's attempts to lead him into destruction that He leaves and immediately begins to preach "17From that time on Jesus began to preach, "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near."

I was seeing this played out in my life that second year after camp and I have seen it played out in many of the guy's lives I was and am still in community with. We are not being punished but it is crucial for the testing of our faith. This testing produces character, 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. We must understand that we are in a battle and realize the power we have in Christ to resist temptation for our best. Just as in any battle, a General would be a fool to put someone in charge of a group of men and women if he's still running from his neighbors dog, its a process.

He never intends for us to stay in the desert. Jesus was only there for 40 days, however many of us like myself find ourselves there for years. We struggle and give into the same temptation over and over and over again, thinking to ourselves will this ever go away?! We then begin to pity ourselves and say "well Jesus lived 2000 years ago and doesn't have to struggle with the things we do today, how can He possibly know what I am going through?"

And this is what I would say to that...the moment we give into temptation, it is no longer temptation but has now become sin. Therefore since Jesus was tempted with everything (as we find in Hebrews 4) yet without sin, He himself faced a greater amount of temptation than anyone else who has ever walked on the face of this planet. Think of it like this, as you stretch a rubber band, the band itself becomes more and more tense and when you let go that tension is quickly released. Jesus never gave into the tension, the temptation stayed taught. There wasn't this quick fix, of "oh ill just try it this time because I can't handle the pressure" No it was, resisting the tension that ultimately led to the band snapping. And I think it's set up this way for a reason, so that we can experience the fullness of life and where we see this desert period bypassed or ignored I think things can go awry. For instance, its so sad, but why do we hear about pastors molesting kids or cheating on their wifes? Perhaps bypassing the desert and rushing into ministry will prove to be more detrimental in the end...that a whole different blog though!

So I am encouraged in my trials, my temptations because I know that I am being refined and as I begin to resist temptation and my desire to release the tension, I will walk into ministry and begin to help others. That is our purpose here, this is the hope that we have in Christ. Do not grow weary in the desert, there is freedom...

Footsteps

Deep breath,ready?...It wasn't like I was afraid to walk or was unable, but when you're a year old and your parents are breathing down your neck urging you to do so, just so they can capture your first steps and then tell the grandparents all about it...it just takes the fun out of it. My stubbornness had already kicked in at an early age and I would just sit there as they stared down at me, camera ready and I would deliberately disobey. I wonder if they regret when I finally started walking because I was constantly getting into trouble and they would always have to redirect me from walking into fire, into the street or over a cliff. You would think, I would have been a whole lot easier to raise if I never took those first steps, but with steps comes progress and progress leads to many lessons learned...Ok so it may not have gone exactly like that but my desire to walk with Jesus has always been a battle. And He was always there taking me by the hand to make sure I didn't get into too much danger.

I grew up going to church, was in the church plays (never got the cool role though...A DOG! what kind of luck gets you the role as a dog in the church play?! All I had to do was sit at the King's feet and I have some seriously good acting skills! conduct hmmm maybe) but I always heard about Jesus and all the stories relating to the bible. My prayers at night were genuine and I truly believed God was listening to just me. I accepted Christ when I was 11 and then things got more difficult following baptism. My brother graduated from HS just as I was entering Jr High and went off to college right away. My dad had been a father up to that point, but after that he just checked out. He was present still but not really there for me if you know what I mean.

Sometimes I struggle with the thoughts "would it have been easier if he actually just left" because then I wouldn't be deceived into believing some of the lies I did, but then I know that wouldn't have helped either. Jr High sucked, kids are mean there as everyone is searching for their identity and feel better about themselves by degrading others. So when I got into High school that is when things really took a turn for the worse. I wanted to be apart of the "cool crowd" and since we lived in a small town that usually meant, alcohol, drugs and girls. So I ran. Ran away from God and chose those things that only brought temporary gratification. Became rebellious, fought with my mom all the time especially about having to wake up to go to church. Stayed out late. drank. drank. drank. Entering my senior year I tore my ACL in two-a-days and I thought my life was over! Football was my first love and I had worked so hard for my last year. I had dreams of going to play somewhere and now all of this was shattered in a play gone bad. Some grownups would tell me "God has a plan for you even though it may not seem like it" (in hindsight I can see it) but that was the last thing I wanted to hear! My heart became hardened and I gave into the desire of my flesh. In my mind I was doing what everyone else was so I did not see any wrong in it...

Anyways that year was a blur and now Im off to college. Baylor University. A baptist school.
I met a guy who lived in my dorm, Adam, who became my best friend, and we were inseparatable sp?...Freshman year was so much fun for us because we would go to all these fraternity parties with tons of free beer. Midway through my freshman year my Dad in heaven took action. I interviewed for a counselling job at Camp Ozark, a christian sports camp, and somehow got the job...along with Adam. Crazy, scary i know. So that summer we packed up and drove to Arkansas. Literally on the way we looked at each other and said, we have to stop cussing. We cannot cuss in front of these kids. Oh my...God re-wired, redeemed and re-shaped me while I was there in such a tangible way and from that point on, I the prodigal son, had finally returned home. For good this time.

Restoration (part 3)

Alright, alright I know this says part 3 and many will be tempted to start here and decide whether or not to read the other two, but that doesn't make sense...unless you are one of those people who skip to the last chapter to see what happens at the end of the book! shame on you ha! or you may scroll down and decide it's too long and don't have the time. I tried my best to set it up so that it flows in the direction of 1-3 not 3,2,1 so it probably won't make much sense to read this one first...and this is just the way it falls on the screen, sorry...

Character Building Part 2

...I apologize for not finishing sooner (and if you have no clue what I'm talking about you probably shouldn't continue reading this until you finish the blog below, I'm just saying). The irony, however, is the connection between what happened 20 years ago on the beach to what prompted me to even tell that crazy story took much longer, hurt much more than the week I've left you hanging....so I withdraw my apology...