I was about 6 years old when I got my first BB gun. It was a Remington pump action that came with a scope. Little did my parents know that they had just equipped the greatest little hunter in southeast Houston. For the next several years: birds, cats, squirrels snakes, windows, my sister all had huge targets on them. My journey as the Great White Hunter took place in my backyard in the canopies of the surrounding pecan trees, my safe haven, so I thought, would soon become a place of temptation. My dad's orders were "Don't shoot any song birds or squirrels." Song birds, I didn't even know what that meant, unless they were singing some MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice or New kids on the block they were fair game (ok I would most likely have shot them if they were singing New Kids on the Block). To me a bird was a bird and if it happened to fly into my cross hairs I was about 97.689% sure I would pull the trigger, so that bird better be hoping I only pumped it 6 times instead of 10. ..I'm drifting, but pumps 7, 8, 9 and 10 were hard on my developing muscles and sometimes I didn't have the patience to fight those last four.
I can recall one tragic event on a cool crisp morning. As soon as the sun peeked through my window I jumped out of my bed, already in gear from the night before, grabbed my Remington that I had strategically aimed at the door to ward off any attempts of attack from my brother's friends and out the back door to defend my territory. I had done well up to this point in following my father's decree. He had instilled enough fear within me to fight off any temptation to shoot and kill these warranted "song birds" Each morning I would listen to and watch them sing and I had to decided to let them live another day. But this morning was different. They just seemed to be enticing me a little more, jumping around from branch to branch displaying their colors and singing their hideous songs. Did they make a deal with my dad I wondered? Did they know I wasn't allowed to shoot them? So there I stood, 20 feet from a lively blue jay and my mind began to drift… "I'll just shoot right next to it and scare it off," I told myself. Sounded reasonable to me but as I looked at him through my scope a little voice within said, just shoot it you won't get caught. It's 6:30 in the morning, grown ups don't wake up until 7. So I did. The blue jay went to be with God that morning. And as I stood over him, thinking I should feel victorious and exalted I knew I had messed up and now it was time to cover up my mistake.
I don't know about most houses but we had a fire barrel that allowed you to burn your trash outside without catching the grass on fire. So I figured I would just burry him under the trash and then when my dad burned the trash he would burn the evidence as well. I agreed very quickly that it was a great plan. I picked up my kill, ran over to the barrel and as I was about to throw it in I saw that there was no trash. Yea not good. Panic, yes. Lucky for me, I'm quick on my feet so I toss the blue jay inside and thought, "Why don't I be a good son and just take out the trash for them?" I run inside grabbed the kitchen trash and I must have been making a lot of noise because I hear a voice behind me say, "Jason what are you doing?" It was my mom. I look at her and with an innocent voice said, "Can't a boy take out the trash in the morning without being questioned." Now let me preface this…I was NOT a kid who jumped at the opportunity to do chores, in fact I beat those kids up and I did everything in my power to get out of doing them. I think I might have taken out the trash ohhh maybe none up to this day. So when I thought I got away red handed, my mom's curiosity was only beginning to stir. She stood there staring, didn't say a word to me as I made my exit and headed towards the fire barrel. I walked or maybe skipped, trash in hands, smiling to myself and thought now how will I convince her to let me use the matches. Meanwhile, she must have relayed these peculiar events to my dad because he soon came walking out the backdoor to see who had taken his real son. He followed my tracks, which I had deliberately tried to make difficult to follow by taking the long way around, directly to the barrel. I quickly said, "Dad don't worry about it, you and mom just go back to sleep and I'll burn the trash this morning. You've worked hard, you deserve a break." He looked at me (probably thinking this was to good to be true), picked up the trash bag and there laid the lifeless blue jay. "Jason, why is there a dead blue jay in here?" he asked. So I said the first thing that came to my mind, "He must have eaten some of mom's cooking." I thought it was clever, but it didn't go over to well, after many attempts to plea my case and make up excuse after excuse; I finally had to come clean.
A lot of times we avoid telling the truth or coming clean with everything because we are so afraid of the consequences and judgment we may deserve. We think by covering up are mistake it will be a win win situation all around. Honestly I'm sure I got punished that day, but I don't remember what my punishment was. The punishment isn't what stuck with me, but to this day I can walk away and see the lesson and wisdom I learned from that experience. When you try to lie to people close to you or cover something up with more "trash" eventually you are going to be found out. The people who are closest to you, whom at the time you may think you are fooling, know you better than you realize and can see right through your actions because what you are doing is inconsistent with your persona. In the bible it says every deep and dark secret will be brought to light.
When Adam and Eve first sinned, what did they do? They hid from God and tried to cover up their naked bodies because their eyes were opened and they felt exposed. Satan has stuck to this game plan from day one and it has worked very well for him. He knows that by making you feel condemned and alone, you will hide from God, push away from the body of Christ and be a puppet for him to attack you and make you feel worthless. There is strength in community and in the body of Christ (the church) and he cannot harm you when you are wrapped in God's arms. What did God do when He found Adam and Eve, did He condemn them straight to hell? No, He was saddened because from that day forward we would know both good and evil and try to become our own god. But He loves us and sent His Son to get us back. He killed an animal and clothed them with it's skin, just as he would later do to His own Son so that we might have inheritance to his Kingdom. David says, in Psalms 32 that we he kept silent his bones wasted away…for day and night your hand was heavy upon me; as in the heat of summer. But when he confessed; God forgave the guilt of his sin. Jesus said, "The truth shall set you free." God has always drawn us closer to him, while the enemy has always tried to drive us away.
I'm glad my dad found the bird that day. Because if he didn't I may have enjoyed the pleasure and thrill of not getting caught. And from that day forward I could have started to develop a pattern that would only lead to a life full of lies and broken relationships.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
House of Mourning
Ok I don't know what happen to the rotation of the Earth or maybe the tilt of the Earth's axis but something has happened to Texas and it actually feels like winter. The Weather Team up here in Dallas aren't use to explaining what to do in freezing scenarios and had everyone freaked out this weekend basically to the point where no one left their homes. So with that said I've had a lot of reflective time with myself this past weekend...I didn't sit Indian style with my eyes closed and meditate or anything weird like that but when you live a lone with a dog, you kinda run out of options for conversation and being the analytical person I am, I just had to much time to think! I never really know if that is a good or bad thing because if any of you have ever done that you know you start to realize some pretty scary things. So to prevent myself from becoming depressed about all the stupid small things I decided to listen to some podcasts...
Lately I've been listening to Matt Chandler's sermons over Ecclesiastes and they have totally blown me away. I have found so much truth and knowledge in this series and hope to shed some light on an issue I believe everyone struggles with but never fully appreciates. So if its cold where you are as well then grab some coffee and keep reading because if the roads are frozen over with ice, then we all know us Texans do not know how to drive on it anyway.
In Ecc. chapter 3 Solomon condenses a series of paradoxical events that will happen in each person's life. He doesn't say God gives us a choice between two different options, but says there is a "time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance..." and I wanted to camp on the idea of mourning, grief and loneliness because so many times we find ourselves trying to rush through these periods in our life to hurry and get back to the dance. But before you can dance you have to hear the rhythm and I think God reveals that rhythm by allowing us to experience these seasons of life. And I'm afraid if we try to rush through to quickly then it will have only been a period of defeat where satan left his mark, instead of an open doorway for God to step in and use our weakness to show His power. I believe there is a reason for everything and maybe we are experiencing loneliness and grief in order to churn up some deeply rooted issues in our life that need some pruning.
I think a common source of grief for young adults today is relationships. Maybe you are going through a bad break up or have been single for many years and have had the privilege of watching all your friends get married or maybe you are freaked out because when you wrote out your agenda at the age of five you knew for sure that by the age of 23 you would be in a serious relationship with the "perfect" guy/girl and marriage would be following shortly. This scares me because so many people will find themselves running behind on their timeline and end up settling for the first person who comes along...hence the reason for so many divorces today but that's neither here nor there.
So how do we deal with this...Ecc. 7:4 "The heart of the wise in is the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure." What is this saying...basically we have two options. The wise will accept this episode in their life and try to learn as much from it as they can. They will surround themselves with positive people who will speak truth and encouragement into their lives. They will experience the dryness of the desert knowing fully God is molding and mending their character and strength to fullness. They learn the meaning to be content in all circumstances and understand what it means to "work out our salvation." They begin to rely on Jesus not only when things are easy but more importantly when the world weighs heavily upon them. And then we have the other options...to numb the pain by whatever temporarily means of gratification we can get our hands on. We think that if we can only find a substitute for this pain or lifeless void, then surely it will speed up the process and everything will go away. We try alcohol, drugs, strip clubs, pornography, new relationships but for some reason end up back at the same place: alone and more confused than before. We are trying to fix a problem on the inside with an external source. If a doctor were to only treat the pain, then they would never cure the disease and the pain would keep coming back.
I can speak about this topic with wisdom because I've tried both options. First I tried to cover up my grief from a breakup by partying as much as I could. I thought that as long as I keep busy, stay intoxicated, and hang out with more girls, then the ensuing pleasures would overcome the grief and loneliness. It may have worked during the course of the event, but what happens when it's cold outside and I'm forced to stay home alone and reflect? I've learned you can't escape your thoughts, they will eventually catch up with you.
However I had the privilege, if you will, after I developed a relationship with Jesus, to experience the affects of another relationship that ended. This relationship having more sacrifices and being a lot more serious, I decided to choose the other option. And from personal experience I can vouch for Solomon and say it does work. He says go to the house of mourning, but he never said you would be there alone. I have matured and learned more in these past 8 months than I had previously tried to overcome in my 5 years of continuous partying. There is so much more joy in running to Jesus than running to other relationships, alcohol or other people. I know grief and mourning sucks but it's something that needs to take place in order for God's intricate design within you to begin to make sense. Sometimes it's his way of getting our attention before we get in to deep...He experienced the pain for us so that we wouldn't need to so why not go to Him for help?
Lately I've been listening to Matt Chandler's sermons over Ecclesiastes and they have totally blown me away. I have found so much truth and knowledge in this series and hope to shed some light on an issue I believe everyone struggles with but never fully appreciates. So if its cold where you are as well then grab some coffee and keep reading because if the roads are frozen over with ice, then we all know us Texans do not know how to drive on it anyway.
In Ecc. chapter 3 Solomon condenses a series of paradoxical events that will happen in each person's life. He doesn't say God gives us a choice between two different options, but says there is a "time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance..." and I wanted to camp on the idea of mourning, grief and loneliness because so many times we find ourselves trying to rush through these periods in our life to hurry and get back to the dance. But before you can dance you have to hear the rhythm and I think God reveals that rhythm by allowing us to experience these seasons of life. And I'm afraid if we try to rush through to quickly then it will have only been a period of defeat where satan left his mark, instead of an open doorway for God to step in and use our weakness to show His power. I believe there is a reason for everything and maybe we are experiencing loneliness and grief in order to churn up some deeply rooted issues in our life that need some pruning.
I think a common source of grief for young adults today is relationships. Maybe you are going through a bad break up or have been single for many years and have had the privilege of watching all your friends get married or maybe you are freaked out because when you wrote out your agenda at the age of five you knew for sure that by the age of 23 you would be in a serious relationship with the "perfect" guy/girl and marriage would be following shortly. This scares me because so many people will find themselves running behind on their timeline and end up settling for the first person who comes along...hence the reason for so many divorces today but that's neither here nor there.
So how do we deal with this...Ecc. 7:4 "The heart of the wise in is the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure." What is this saying...basically we have two options. The wise will accept this episode in their life and try to learn as much from it as they can. They will surround themselves with positive people who will speak truth and encouragement into their lives. They will experience the dryness of the desert knowing fully God is molding and mending their character and strength to fullness. They learn the meaning to be content in all circumstances and understand what it means to "work out our salvation." They begin to rely on Jesus not only when things are easy but more importantly when the world weighs heavily upon them. And then we have the other options...to numb the pain by whatever temporarily means of gratification we can get our hands on. We think that if we can only find a substitute for this pain or lifeless void, then surely it will speed up the process and everything will go away. We try alcohol, drugs, strip clubs, pornography, new relationships but for some reason end up back at the same place: alone and more confused than before. We are trying to fix a problem on the inside with an external source. If a doctor were to only treat the pain, then they would never cure the disease and the pain would keep coming back.
I can speak about this topic with wisdom because I've tried both options. First I tried to cover up my grief from a breakup by partying as much as I could. I thought that as long as I keep busy, stay intoxicated, and hang out with more girls, then the ensuing pleasures would overcome the grief and loneliness. It may have worked during the course of the event, but what happens when it's cold outside and I'm forced to stay home alone and reflect? I've learned you can't escape your thoughts, they will eventually catch up with you.
However I had the privilege, if you will, after I developed a relationship with Jesus, to experience the affects of another relationship that ended. This relationship having more sacrifices and being a lot more serious, I decided to choose the other option. And from personal experience I can vouch for Solomon and say it does work. He says go to the house of mourning, but he never said you would be there alone. I have matured and learned more in these past 8 months than I had previously tried to overcome in my 5 years of continuous partying. There is so much more joy in running to Jesus than running to other relationships, alcohol or other people. I know grief and mourning sucks but it's something that needs to take place in order for God's intricate design within you to begin to make sense. Sometimes it's his way of getting our attention before we get in to deep...He experienced the pain for us so that we wouldn't need to so why not go to Him for help?
Don't ignore the fire alarm...
Have you...
Ever been woken up in the middle of the night by a repetitive beeping sound? You unconsciously with little effort push the snooze button on the alarm clock and discover that the noise continues. This time you pick it up throw it across the room and still the noise persists. What is that annoying sound interferring with my sleep? You try to ignore it and fall back asleep, failing, you finally decide to get out of bed, stumble through the darkness stubbing your toe and tripping on your roomates tonka trunk while making your way towards this mysterious sound. Following your ears, you finally find the disturbance--a fire alarm, not going off because of the urgent need to get out before a fire but only following programming and letting out a warning beep every 60 seconds signifying that the battery needs to be change. Why can't they just make an alarm programmed to say,"hey change my battery because it's almost dead!" Anyways, at this time you are to tired to deal with changing the battery and secondly(if you are still in college) probably don't have an extra 9 volt battery handy. So what do you do? That's right, find the nearest chair, take out the battery and go back to sleep.
Now this worked at a duplex I lived in and by the end of the year I don't think 1 fire-alarm out of 5 had a charged battery in it. Man were we prepared for a fire! But when I moved into an apartment complex, sure enough in the middle of the night I am once again awakened by the familiar beep (why does it always decided to go "uncharged" in the night). At this time I'm a pro with the routine and almost perform it without any effort. Pleased with my triumph over the alrarm, I lay back down to fall asleep but it beeps again! How can this be, I took out it's battery! This apartment complex was smarter and probably realized the fate of their investment lies in the hands of college students. They were aware of the fact, no more battery = no more beep = fire = bad and came up with a way to somehow program and power the fire alarm to continue beeping until it recieved a new battery. Tricky I know! But they could not fool an expert...So what did I do, get a new battery? Nope I ripped that sucker right off the ceiling wires and all and went back to sleep!
Why did I take this time to describe my sleepless nights fighting with a fire alarm? Bored-yes, but also because I have realized an important comparison between my spiritual walk with Jesus and the fire alarm. There has been times when my "alarm" has been beeping constantly at me--excuse me sir change the battery, I'm almost out of juice--How: by praying, seeking God, confessing some sin/accountability, asking for forgiveness or giving forgiveness to someone that has wronged me...These things, like changing the battery, seemed to be to much work so instead of acknowledging the warning signs I chose to ignore it until I eventually became deaf to the sound or ripped it off the ceiling and in my own effort cover it up as best as I could.
Looking back now at some of the biggest mistakes and roughest situations in my life , I can hear the warning beeps before anything happened. If only I would have taken some time to say, "Hey God I know I've been struggling lately, I haven't been making much time for You and I'm getting caught up in what I want...I'm sorry please help me and recharge my battery so I can be sensitive to your voice" Then maybe when the fire actually came-the battery would have been charged and in place, and the alarm would have been able to serve it's function. God doesn't want us to face difficult times on our own..."God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" 1 corin. 10:13. The way is there just listen...
Peace~
Ever been woken up in the middle of the night by a repetitive beeping sound? You unconsciously with little effort push the snooze button on the alarm clock and discover that the noise continues. This time you pick it up throw it across the room and still the noise persists. What is that annoying sound interferring with my sleep? You try to ignore it and fall back asleep, failing, you finally decide to get out of bed, stumble through the darkness stubbing your toe and tripping on your roomates tonka trunk while making your way towards this mysterious sound. Following your ears, you finally find the disturbance--a fire alarm, not going off because of the urgent need to get out before a fire but only following programming and letting out a warning beep every 60 seconds signifying that the battery needs to be change. Why can't they just make an alarm programmed to say,"hey change my battery because it's almost dead!" Anyways, at this time you are to tired to deal with changing the battery and secondly(if you are still in college) probably don't have an extra 9 volt battery handy. So what do you do? That's right, find the nearest chair, take out the battery and go back to sleep.
Now this worked at a duplex I lived in and by the end of the year I don't think 1 fire-alarm out of 5 had a charged battery in it. Man were we prepared for a fire! But when I moved into an apartment complex, sure enough in the middle of the night I am once again awakened by the familiar beep (why does it always decided to go "uncharged" in the night). At this time I'm a pro with the routine and almost perform it without any effort. Pleased with my triumph over the alrarm, I lay back down to fall asleep but it beeps again! How can this be, I took out it's battery! This apartment complex was smarter and probably realized the fate of their investment lies in the hands of college students. They were aware of the fact, no more battery = no more beep = fire = bad and came up with a way to somehow program and power the fire alarm to continue beeping until it recieved a new battery. Tricky I know! But they could not fool an expert...So what did I do, get a new battery? Nope I ripped that sucker right off the ceiling wires and all and went back to sleep!
Why did I take this time to describe my sleepless nights fighting with a fire alarm? Bored-yes, but also because I have realized an important comparison between my spiritual walk with Jesus and the fire alarm. There has been times when my "alarm" has been beeping constantly at me--excuse me sir change the battery, I'm almost out of juice--How: by praying, seeking God, confessing some sin/accountability, asking for forgiveness or giving forgiveness to someone that has wronged me...These things, like changing the battery, seemed to be to much work so instead of acknowledging the warning signs I chose to ignore it until I eventually became deaf to the sound or ripped it off the ceiling and in my own effort cover it up as best as I could.
Looking back now at some of the biggest mistakes and roughest situations in my life , I can hear the warning beeps before anything happened. If only I would have taken some time to say, "Hey God I know I've been struggling lately, I haven't been making much time for You and I'm getting caught up in what I want...I'm sorry please help me and recharge my battery so I can be sensitive to your voice" Then maybe when the fire actually came-the battery would have been charged and in place, and the alarm would have been able to serve it's function. God doesn't want us to face difficult times on our own..."God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" 1 corin. 10:13. The way is there just listen...
Peace~
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