In early July the Lord started speaking to me about the balance of knowing Him and knowing what He does. Specifically out of Judges 2:6:
6 After Joshua had dismissed the Israelites, they went to take possession of the land, each to their own inheritance. 7 The people served the LORD throughout the lifetime of Joshua and of the elders who outlived him and who had seen ALL the great things the LORD had done for Israel...10 After that whole generation had been gathered to their ancestors, another generation grew up who knew neither the LORD nor what he had done for Israel. 11 Then the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD and served the Baals.
I started to study the differences between the generation that was brought out of Egypt, the generation that stepped out in faith crossed the Jordan and took the promise land and then the generation that rose after and turned to other idols. What I found was the generation that both knew God and knew what He did, saw that not one of God's promises to them failed...that every inch of ground that the soles of their feet traveled was given to them. I want to be a part of a generation that lives in radical obedience to the Lord. This blog gives a small example of what it can look like when we apply what we know about Him in steps of faith.
I feel like those who have grown up in the church know a lot about God via what they have learned through veggie tales, reading the bible, numerous books, podcasts etc...I think you get the idea... However, when asked how have you seen God move or how has He used you, the memories are scattered or the answers are different from what we see demonstrated throughout the bible. Now I wrestle with this. Because I read the bible and desperately want to see those things in my life. I believe God is full of adventure and when we step out in faith and obedience we are stepping into an adventure with Him.
I co-Lead a small group of men down in Dallas and one of the things we really wanted to start pressing in 2011 is intercession and evangelizing.
So last night was our night to go out into Dallas and see what God had for us.
I had got an idea from listening to one of Matt Chandler's earlier sermons and a testimony I recently heard from one of my friends. So what Preston (co-leader) and I did was shared some examples of how we've listened to God and then respond by approaching a stranger and then praying/talking with them and how we are trying to cultivate an environment of obedience whether we see any fruit from that conversation or not.
Next I told them I was going to turn on one song and during that song I wanted them to ask God two questions 1. Where do I go 2. What does he/she look like? and then write down the first thing they either see or hear...
After the song was over everyone shared what they got and one of the guys, Jeremy, said he saw Cafe Brazil on Oak lawn and a guy in a white sweater, worn out jeans and then said he could have been just day dreaming or something haha. We then had everyone pair up and then go out (Luke 10)... I paired with Jeremy and took a new guy named Mark since he didn't hear or see anything. Jeremy continues to explain that he probably saw Cafe Brazil because he ate there two weeks ago and a white sweater because his roommate had one on earlier that day, so I'm like Jeremy shut up, we are going haha.
Mark is evidently skeptical about the whole thing because he had never done anything like this before. He doesn't really want to go and I could just see the tension and fear he had. (He explains later that he thought we were all crazy as we were listening to God and trying to get our "mission.")
We finally arrive to cafe brazil and even after we park, Jeremy says we can go to another Cafe Brazil if you guys want and I just ignore him and keep walking.
We walk inside and the hostess comes up to a guy who had walked in right before us, but he directs her to us since he was there to talk with the manager about a job. She asks us,a table for how many, and Jeremy tells her its ok we are waiting on someone. The guy, who is waiting for the manager, is wearing worn jeans, a white sweatshirt with a black jacket over it so I look at Jeremy and ask if that is him. Jeremy looks at him, the piece of paper, gets a weird look on his face and says I'm not really sure (which admits later he knew it was but fear crept in haha. why we go in pairs). I get the feeling it's definitely him so we went out on the porch and waited for him to come out. He walks out shortly after us with a distraught look on his face because the manager wasn't there and had apparently told him to come in because he might have work for him.
I introduce myself and ask him his name. Danny. I told him we were just at a bible study and while we were praying, Jeremy felt like God told him we needed to come here and talk to a guy in a white sweat shirt. He was like there's no way because I just walked in like a minute before you guys, did y'all follow me in? I said no, we didn't see you until we walked in so he was said ok I'll listen to what you guys have to say, what y'all wanna sit down or something and talk. Then he lifts up his shirt says I know the man and shows us a tattoo of Jesus on his chest haha.
I said yes let's sit down. I didn't feel the need to talk or explain but just to pray for him. As I'm praying I just start praying identity over him and I can sense that the presence of God is starting to move because a lot of the tension was removed and peace came upon us. As we say amen he looks back up and says no really, what is this about why are you guys here?
And I said, Danny look at me, Jesus sent us for you. We were miles away at my house and Jesus sent us here. Jeremy showed him the piece of paper that said cafe brazil, oak lawn, white sweater, worn jeans and he put his head down in his hands and just started weeping. I mean sobbing man. I look at Mark and his eyes are crazy big b/c it hit him. This was real, God sent us for Danny and his eyes begin to water as we sit around Danny and minister to him.
Danny sobs for a good two minutes or so and finally says through the tears...I just don't understand, life has been so hard, I've been in jail for the past 4 years and just got out two weeks ago and I'm trying to find out how to live life. I can't get a job because of all these tattoos and no one gives me a chance and it's been so tough. And then you guys show up and I just don't understand. He says years ago I would have run from people like you but tonight I decided to hear you out. He said I believe and I've read that Jesus died for my sins but I'm not on the level that y'all are at. I still drink, I smoke and I just got out of jail.
I told him that doesn't matter, that stuff is paid for at the cross. No one is perfect and that Jesus desire a relationship with him. We talk to him some more, I tell him this wasn't by accident, God loves him and He has more for him. I ask him how he feels and he says indescribable. Mark tells him, Danny you need to know that this has done so much to strengthen my faith, just your response alone has shown me how great and real God is.
I give him the address to the upper room, a ministry in that area, because he doesn't have a phone or transportation and it's right around the corner. He gives us a group hug and says he can't wait to go tell somebody about this.
Now I want to pause here and I want you to try and see things from Danny's perspective. A man with a past and story that most of can't even imagine. He has lived in the roughest conditions, seen the most extreme things, both sold and done drugs and in that moment, during that hour of his life, out of the 6 billion people on the face of this planet, God saw the brokenness and need in Danny's heart. And He responded, He came!!! by sending a couple of guys from a bible study to let Danny know God cares. This is something that goes far deeper than singing Jesus loves me in Sunday school. You cannot run from something like this, the revelation of His love for us changes us and strikes us at our core and we get to partner with Him showing people like Danny that He knows, He knows and that's why He came.
...As we drive back home, Mark says I think that is probably the most amazing thing I've ever seen. That probably did more good for me than him.
We saw what God does. Danny felt loved, Mark saw God move in power and Jeremy saw that he hears from God. It was a great night all around and there's more to be done in this city...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Friday, May 14, 2010
Perfect Love Casts out Fear
Knots in the stomach, increased breathing and a quickened heart rate. A pause at the intersection in the road. A decision to be made. What once wasn’t, now is. What once was effortless is now tainted with fear. Where oh fear did you leave your mark, when did your nasty bite leave it’s impression…
The grind of plastic on pavement, the extra friction from the tripod of assembled tires, if we had to be honest…wasn’t bringing sexy back. Most have gone before me already and taken that risky step forward where balance meets gravity to glide rhythmically or crash mercilessly. Training wheels served their purpose temporarily, but it was time for that next step in the progression of every boy’s life. The drive to succeed would carry me through bloodied knees and elbows. Life constantly challenges us to measure costs with outcome and desires. My desire was to keep up with the rest of the boys; to step into more freedom and discover a concealed identity. I decided it was worth it, but I wasn’t aware that more risks and more dangers come with each step forward…
It was a straight shot down the street for me to ride my bike directly to my cousin’s house. The bike offered a quicker means to my enjoyment. I no longer had to wait or rely on my mother’s vehicle. At her permission, and perhaps sometimes not, I was out the door doing 10 ok maybe 7mph, depending on the side cramp, to conquer Santa Fe until it got dark and I had to come home. Not only did I not need my mother’s vehicle to get me to my destination but had also gotten rid of the annoying plastic grinders at this point, but one obstacle still remained. Cujo, or how I refer to him now.
About half way in between our houses there was a rather large dog, or hybrid of dog and T-rex, who served to guard his territory via lock and chain. He however, had no regard for the chain and would run ferociously towards me at every pass. My little legs would carry me as quickly as they could and I would not relax until the chain would catch and jerk him back. One night I’m coming back from my cousins minding my own business, wind blowing through my hair sun setting behind me. Usual routine, look for cujo, hope he’s sleeping but if not, I pick up the pace. Same thing begins: cujo barks, comes running at me, but this time there is no jerk. No twist of the body due to forward momentum being pulled back by the chain. Instead, he snapped the chain and keeps coming directly at me. I don’t have much time to think because by this time he is almost on me and so as my flight and fight syndrome kick in I scream at the top of my girlish boy voice (hey I’m only like 6) “STTTTUUUUUPPPPPPIIIIIID”!!!! No lie. I scream so loud that I think it confuses him and he ends up running right by my back tire into the ditch and the owner comes out of the house and calls him back.
But the damage had already been done. It scared me man. I mean of course to my boys I have to pretend and say something like he’s lucky the owner came out because I was just about to get off my bike and show him who is boss in this neighborhood. But in reality deep down, fear had crept in…
So now when I would go to my cousin’s house, instead of taking the shortest most direct route, I would circle all away around the neighborhood to avoid the beast. This event had re-wired my thinking and had entered, re-routed and effected a large part of my life.
But is this not what fear does to us all? Does it not take what once was easy and straight forward and then complicated it by adding this heavy weight? Instead of taking what was once the quickest and most direct path to where we are going, do we not now plan around in advance to protect ourselves? I mean insert fear here. Afraid to fly? Do you not have to drive or skip out on distant trips? Broken heart in relationships? Do you not create a new route, a new way of dealing with this pain for the next relationship? So these events, whatever they may be that causes fear, do alter the way we see and perceive the world around us…
So back to the story…No I’m not afraid of dogs anymore. I don’t break out in sweats, freak out and call ahead to my friends every time I want to come over asking them to pen up Benji lest he take out my ankles and leave me lame. Did it just magically go away? It didn’t do that either, but rather I had to face it.
First I had to admit to my mom that I was afraid and that I didn’t like going over to my cousins and if I did I would take the long way around. Then in wisdom and love (bless mother’s hearts) she knew this behavior if left unchecked or dealt with would become a serious issues. So she would start to go with me. Once I was felt comfortable with that, now she just had to watch me from the end of the driveway and eventually I only had to call once I arrived until the fear was no longer there…
If my earthly parent, limited in love, was able to see and know that it was not in my best interest to live with this fear how much more does our Father in Heaven love and want the same for us? So that when he sees us in our secret, knows our inner thoughts and our deepest fears, is it not in love that He would extend His hand and say “Let’s do this together. At your pace, but I’m not going anywhere.”
The grind of plastic on pavement, the extra friction from the tripod of assembled tires, if we had to be honest…wasn’t bringing sexy back. Most have gone before me already and taken that risky step forward where balance meets gravity to glide rhythmically or crash mercilessly. Training wheels served their purpose temporarily, but it was time for that next step in the progression of every boy’s life. The drive to succeed would carry me through bloodied knees and elbows. Life constantly challenges us to measure costs with outcome and desires. My desire was to keep up with the rest of the boys; to step into more freedom and discover a concealed identity. I decided it was worth it, but I wasn’t aware that more risks and more dangers come with each step forward…
It was a straight shot down the street for me to ride my bike directly to my cousin’s house. The bike offered a quicker means to my enjoyment. I no longer had to wait or rely on my mother’s vehicle. At her permission, and perhaps sometimes not, I was out the door doing 10 ok maybe 7mph, depending on the side cramp, to conquer Santa Fe until it got dark and I had to come home. Not only did I not need my mother’s vehicle to get me to my destination but had also gotten rid of the annoying plastic grinders at this point, but one obstacle still remained. Cujo, or how I refer to him now.
About half way in between our houses there was a rather large dog, or hybrid of dog and T-rex, who served to guard his territory via lock and chain. He however, had no regard for the chain and would run ferociously towards me at every pass. My little legs would carry me as quickly as they could and I would not relax until the chain would catch and jerk him back. One night I’m coming back from my cousins minding my own business, wind blowing through my hair sun setting behind me. Usual routine, look for cujo, hope he’s sleeping but if not, I pick up the pace. Same thing begins: cujo barks, comes running at me, but this time there is no jerk. No twist of the body due to forward momentum being pulled back by the chain. Instead, he snapped the chain and keeps coming directly at me. I don’t have much time to think because by this time he is almost on me and so as my flight and fight syndrome kick in I scream at the top of my girlish boy voice (hey I’m only like 6) “STTTTUUUUUPPPPPPIIIIIID”!!!! No lie. I scream so loud that I think it confuses him and he ends up running right by my back tire into the ditch and the owner comes out of the house and calls him back.
But the damage had already been done. It scared me man. I mean of course to my boys I have to pretend and say something like he’s lucky the owner came out because I was just about to get off my bike and show him who is boss in this neighborhood. But in reality deep down, fear had crept in…
So now when I would go to my cousin’s house, instead of taking the shortest most direct route, I would circle all away around the neighborhood to avoid the beast. This event had re-wired my thinking and had entered, re-routed and effected a large part of my life.
But is this not what fear does to us all? Does it not take what once was easy and straight forward and then complicated it by adding this heavy weight? Instead of taking what was once the quickest and most direct path to where we are going, do we not now plan around in advance to protect ourselves? I mean insert fear here. Afraid to fly? Do you not have to drive or skip out on distant trips? Broken heart in relationships? Do you not create a new route, a new way of dealing with this pain for the next relationship? So these events, whatever they may be that causes fear, do alter the way we see and perceive the world around us…
So back to the story…No I’m not afraid of dogs anymore. I don’t break out in sweats, freak out and call ahead to my friends every time I want to come over asking them to pen up Benji lest he take out my ankles and leave me lame. Did it just magically go away? It didn’t do that either, but rather I had to face it.
First I had to admit to my mom that I was afraid and that I didn’t like going over to my cousins and if I did I would take the long way around. Then in wisdom and love (bless mother’s hearts) she knew this behavior if left unchecked or dealt with would become a serious issues. So she would start to go with me. Once I was felt comfortable with that, now she just had to watch me from the end of the driveway and eventually I only had to call once I arrived until the fear was no longer there…
If my earthly parent, limited in love, was able to see and know that it was not in my best interest to live with this fear how much more does our Father in Heaven love and want the same for us? So that when he sees us in our secret, knows our inner thoughts and our deepest fears, is it not in love that He would extend His hand and say “Let’s do this together. At your pace, but I’m not going anywhere.”
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Learning to Let Go Part 1
Growing up as the youngest boy amongst my brother, relatives and neighborhood kids, I was forced to learn how to do things quickly or I'd be left behind. I didn't enjoy games such as tag/chase because I was the slowest (shorter legs, dont hate) and if I got tagged then it would most likely remain that way until someone felt sorry for me or I quit. If we played hide-n-seek, my survival depended on a good hiding spot because I couldn't rely on my speed to take me to the safety of base. There were many times when the game would be over and I would still be left in my hiding spot, punks...training wheels were not an option for me, those extra plastic wheels only slowed me down on my bicycle, therefore it was push and crash until I succeeded.
These events and circumstances early in life formed a lot of my personality that has carried into who I am now and why I do certain things. Competitive, self sufficient, hard on myself and wanting to come out on top. In some areas it has proved beneficial i.e. sports and academics but in other areas it can be a flaw.
I recall one summer day when I was around 8 or so that "trying to keep up" put me into a lot of danger. It was a family/friends outing to the one and only "beautiful" coast of Galveston TX...After being covered in sunscreen by a persistent mother I proceeded to follow the older boys into the water. Let me remind you that the gulf is not a transparent crystal blue water, but more an eerie brownish green infested with seaweed and jellyfish. However, I didn't have time to think about that. My mother warned me not to go out too deep, but I quickly ignored her and was off to the races fighting through the waves in order to stay with the rowdy crowd.
After body surfing in the waves for a bit, the older stronger boys decided to make a swim for the second sand bar. One by one they went further and further until I could only see them bobbing up and down with the waves as they made a swim for their destination. I look around, notice that I was the only one left and had two choices: stay in the shallows all by myself or make a mad swim with everyone else. So I begin to inch myself deeper and deeper, bouncing up and down with the waves, still at a place where I could stand with my head above water. Pretty soon though, the receding tide was pulling me against my will, I am drifting now, deeper and deeper. I start swimming now, discover my undeveloped arms are no match for the crashing waves. I am taken further and further away from the shore and now I begin to panic as I frantically struggle in the grips of an undertow. I scream for help towards the older boys but my cries are only drowned out by the waves and salty water filling my mouth. My survival skills kick in and I use all my energy to keep my head from going under, the harder I fought, the further I went out. Exhausted, many different thoughts start going through my mind and I begin to believe...this is it, gone in the murky waters of galveston. Seriously, I decided to just stop fighting, took a deep breath, went under water and went limp. I remember praying, God if you're listening and watching, I need your help. I am helpless and cannot do this on my own...
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
Submerged, I was being tossed to and fro with the waves and current. I had no idea where I was in reference to the shore anymore, I was at the mercy of the sea. As my lungs begin to hurt, I get this feeling inside saying come up once more. I push off the bottom, break through the surface and fill my lungs with much needed oxygen. But to my surprise I wasn't fighting the current anymore, I was standing on solid ground, water up to my chest. Alive.
These events and circumstances early in life formed a lot of my personality that has carried into who I am now and why I do certain things. Competitive, self sufficient, hard on myself and wanting to come out on top. In some areas it has proved beneficial i.e. sports and academics but in other areas it can be a flaw.
I recall one summer day when I was around 8 or so that "trying to keep up" put me into a lot of danger. It was a family/friends outing to the one and only "beautiful" coast of Galveston TX...After being covered in sunscreen by a persistent mother I proceeded to follow the older boys into the water. Let me remind you that the gulf is not a transparent crystal blue water, but more an eerie brownish green infested with seaweed and jellyfish. However, I didn't have time to think about that. My mother warned me not to go out too deep, but I quickly ignored her and was off to the races fighting through the waves in order to stay with the rowdy crowd.
After body surfing in the waves for a bit, the older stronger boys decided to make a swim for the second sand bar. One by one they went further and further until I could only see them bobbing up and down with the waves as they made a swim for their destination. I look around, notice that I was the only one left and had two choices: stay in the shallows all by myself or make a mad swim with everyone else. So I begin to inch myself deeper and deeper, bouncing up and down with the waves, still at a place where I could stand with my head above water. Pretty soon though, the receding tide was pulling me against my will, I am drifting now, deeper and deeper. I start swimming now, discover my undeveloped arms are no match for the crashing waves. I am taken further and further away from the shore and now I begin to panic as I frantically struggle in the grips of an undertow. I scream for help towards the older boys but my cries are only drowned out by the waves and salty water filling my mouth. My survival skills kick in and I use all my energy to keep my head from going under, the harder I fought, the further I went out. Exhausted, many different thoughts start going through my mind and I begin to believe...this is it, gone in the murky waters of galveston. Seriously, I decided to just stop fighting, took a deep breath, went under water and went limp. I remember praying, God if you're listening and watching, I need your help. I am helpless and cannot do this on my own...
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
Submerged, I was being tossed to and fro with the waves and current. I had no idea where I was in reference to the shore anymore, I was at the mercy of the sea. As my lungs begin to hurt, I get this feeling inside saying come up once more. I push off the bottom, break through the surface and fill my lungs with much needed oxygen. But to my surprise I wasn't fighting the current anymore, I was standing on solid ground, water up to my chest. Alive.
Building Character Part 2
...I apologize for not finishing sooner (and if you have no clue what I'm talking about you probably shouldn't continue reading this until you finish part 1, I'm just saying). The irony, however, is the connection between what happened 20 years ago on the beach to what prompted me to even tell that crazy story took much longer, hurt much more than the week I've left you hanging....so I withdraw my apology.
So obviously my life was spared, I didn't get dragged out to sea, didn't meet Ariel...even though that would have been tight... and I'm not using the Apostle Paul's keyboard in Heaven finishing this blog. I'm in Colorado, worked hard for the past two days without much sleep and now relaxing in a hotel room in the middle of no where praying I don't get bed bugs. I'm tired and this may not make much sense but I'll give it a shot... so hang with me and hopefully it will all come together in the end.
Life didn't slow down, it continued. I got older but my ways of thinking/behaving were already deeply ingrained and established. In fact, I read that 85% of your personality is formed between the ages of 2-6 so I guess it will take more than a drowning scare to change how I was already being shaped (not to mention I'm stubborn as well ;). Anyways with that said, even though I grew taller and faster as I adjusted to an embarrassing squeaky voice, side note: that's just an awkward time of life as it is, my performance driven attitude was already being solidified. I succeeded in school; I worked hard in athletics and won starting positions each year in the prestigious game of Texas football; I became very competitive, never wanting to fail. There was always more to attain, more room for improvement, something else to try. If I performed below my standards I would quickly adapt in order to not make the same mistake again. My life was driven by constant analysis of performance and results, finishing ahead always the priority.
For example, I remember my first semester at Baylor.
ahhhh the life of a freshman as we perceive. Finally I wasn't governed by parents, sports and doing well in school to get into a good college, I just wanted to kick back and enjoy the freedom of being an adolescent out on my own, girls and partying were at the focus. I only wanted to study enough and do well enough to keep my scholarship which was maintaining a 3.2 gpa. However, when grades came back at the end of the semester I made a 3.9!?! Most would be happy with this and I was, but due to my insanity, now I knew what I was capable of making. The bar was set. So therefore the rest of what was suppose to be the "good life" would be offset by studying to maintain or improve my 3.9, but that's another story....
I tell all of this for a reason, not to boast by any means but hoping to paint a small picture. To bring up memories, a mold, the route I traveled, who I am, why I made the choices I made, for better or worse. Because without the smallest idea of the author, then me explaining this next event will only be words on a screen to you. It will be lifeless and only a simple reading, but to me it was much more, it was real. It was life, my life crashing against something out of my control. For those who know me, you probably know exactly what I am getting to...a storm, a sea, it blind sided me and caught me quick and I didn't know what to do....it's late, im tired. will finish later....
So obviously my life was spared, I didn't get dragged out to sea, didn't meet Ariel...even though that would have been tight... and I'm not using the Apostle Paul's keyboard in Heaven finishing this blog. I'm in Colorado, worked hard for the past two days without much sleep and now relaxing in a hotel room in the middle of no where praying I don't get bed bugs. I'm tired and this may not make much sense but I'll give it a shot... so hang with me and hopefully it will all come together in the end.
Life didn't slow down, it continued. I got older but my ways of thinking/behaving were already deeply ingrained and established. In fact, I read that 85% of your personality is formed between the ages of 2-6 so I guess it will take more than a drowning scare to change how I was already being shaped (not to mention I'm stubborn as well ;). Anyways with that said, even though I grew taller and faster as I adjusted to an embarrassing squeaky voice, side note: that's just an awkward time of life as it is, my performance driven attitude was already being solidified. I succeeded in school; I worked hard in athletics and won starting positions each year in the prestigious game of Texas football; I became very competitive, never wanting to fail. There was always more to attain, more room for improvement, something else to try. If I performed below my standards I would quickly adapt in order to not make the same mistake again. My life was driven by constant analysis of performance and results, finishing ahead always the priority.
For example, I remember my first semester at Baylor.
ahhhh the life of a freshman as we perceive. Finally I wasn't governed by parents, sports and doing well in school to get into a good college, I just wanted to kick back and enjoy the freedom of being an adolescent out on my own, girls and partying were at the focus. I only wanted to study enough and do well enough to keep my scholarship which was maintaining a 3.2 gpa. However, when grades came back at the end of the semester I made a 3.9!?! Most would be happy with this and I was, but due to my insanity, now I knew what I was capable of making. The bar was set. So therefore the rest of what was suppose to be the "good life" would be offset by studying to maintain or improve my 3.9, but that's another story....
I tell all of this for a reason, not to boast by any means but hoping to paint a small picture. To bring up memories, a mold, the route I traveled, who I am, why I made the choices I made, for better or worse. Because without the smallest idea of the author, then me explaining this next event will only be words on a screen to you. It will be lifeless and only a simple reading, but to me it was much more, it was real. It was life, my life crashing against something out of my control. For those who know me, you probably know exactly what I am getting to...a storm, a sea, it blind sided me and caught me quick and I didn't know what to do....it's late, im tired. will finish later....
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Restoration (Part 3)
Alright, alright I know this says part 3 and many will be tempted to start here and decide whether or not to read the other two (below), but that doesn't make sense...unless you are one of those people who skip to the last chapter to see what happens at the end of the book! shame on you ha! or you may scroll down and decide it's too long and don't have the time. I tried my best to set it up so that it flows in the direction of 1-3 not 3,2,1 so it probably won't make much sense to read this one first...and this is just the way it falls on the screen, sorry.
Ok I'm stalling because honestly I'm hesitant about writing this last part. I have a lot of anxiety; It requires humility, honesty and exposing some difficult things that I really don't know if I want to make public and would probably prefer to hide, but I know its fear of what others will think that's causing me to procrastinate and ramble so I must face it. I feel prompted to share for whatever reason, in hopes that through my weakness, my experience He will be glorified, others may learn something... So let me attempt to set this up once more...
I'm wired to be a rescuer, what can I say? It flows freely throughout my veins and has as long as I can remember. When I was put together in my mother's womb I got an extra injection of chivalry or something I guess?!? Seriously when I was five or so and just beginning to understand God and prayer, I would pray that He would make me the strongest man in the world every night, without the huge muscles and protruding veins like a body builder of course, so that I could be a hero one day. Why? Why at such a young age did I wish this? anyways, Jack Bauer, William Wallace in Braveheart, Jesus, I resonate passionately with these men. cheesy i know but oh well, my counselor once told me, "son, I'm starting to get a grasp of who you are, you're a dreamer and romantic" I don't even know what that means, I don't know why I am wired this way, I don't know if all guys are, and I don't know if it's a bad thing, but he saw something. But whether all of that is true or not or just a distorted view of reality, I found myself in a battle. Fighting for something very very important, something that I never dreamed of having to fight this hard for and never imagined it come knocking on my door so quickly. We read about it in books, watch it in movies and in some way all desire to be in it. But it wasn't like the books, it wasn't like the movies, by all angles, in every direction, however you looked at it, I was losing and in my mind, this isn't how it was suppose to be. Selah.
I fell in love with a pretty, charming, fun, full of life single mother. We connected quickly and got married very fast and I moved out to California because she couldn't move to Tx. That's when everything turned upside down on me (or actually before that as well). We experienced some very very trivial things in month one, well basically months 1-the entire time, but I will try to stay away from the specifics because I don't want to air certain things to the public masses in order to protect and maintain some privacy. But let's just say these early trials would have rocked any newlywed foundation and without total commitment to each other, the escape button seemed the easiest way. In month two, threats of an annulment and divorce were made and the next year and a half of my life I focused on saving whatever was left...I knew the covenant I made before God, divorce runs on both sides of my family and I had made up my mind long ago that divorce was not an option for me.
So follow this, all my life I have been performance driven, combine that with a rescuer mentality thrown into this unexpected mess, this chaos and before soon the perfect storm was formed. I began to try everything. I knew my role coming into this as a husband. To love my wife as Christ loves the church, to pursue, to initiate and to die to myself daily. But I cannot even explain accurately in words how hard this truly is...but I went for it with all the tools I had and decided it was worth it. So what do you do when everything you try fails? Nor does is produce or return any favorable results. When apologizing for mistakes, washing the dishes, cleaning house, baby sitting, love notes, prayer, endless prayer day in and day out, assistance from others, counseling, flowers, pursuing when you're literally scared/confused/betrayed, forgiving after your heart was destroyed, getting kicked out in a foreign place and living on your own but still not wanting to give up. still believing, still hoping, still loving. What do you do when none of this works?
Now hear me out, in no way am I claiming to be perfect at all. I am definitely aware of my shortcomings and my baggage brought into the relationship, I found out I have blind spots, say dumb things, cannot meet all needs, am selfish and was quick to begin to tackle these. I'm not claiming she was 100% to be blamed either, that is not my heart in this at any level. I'm just trying to emphasize that each morning, as bad as it was and as bad as the night was before, and as bad as I thought it may be for the next 2o years, I got up ready to fight another day regardless of the circumstance and what I did or didn't know how to do. This is how I am wired, this is how I've responded a majority of my life. I was, in most cases, self sufficient. Most of the time, when I put my attention to something I succeeded, but not this time, not when it mattered most. The ground was falling out from underneath and I came to the point where I didn't know what to do. at all. Surely this has to eventually work, I thought but it didn't. and it was killing me inside, tormenting my thoughts. The harder I fought, the further out I was taken. The longer I fought, the more I tried to save, to change, to control, the deeper I fell. I struggled, tried everything in my power but like quick sand I kept sinking. why wasn't anything working....everything was waging war against me. My own marriage was falling apart and I never thought this was remotely possible...I was being humbled each and everyday, broken down piece by piece, and it was hurting. With tears streaming down my face all I could tell Him was I was sorry.
But this is where God shines, this is when His power, His restoration is made perfect for those who are searching, reaching. 20 years ago He literally saved me when I could not fight the sea any longer, He stepped in and brought me up out of the gloomy water when I finally gave up swimming, took one last breath and truly decided I was at my end. When I let go and said, help! I need you! He didn't delay. The next 12 years or so when I did everything I could to turn from Him, chase my fantasies, my desires, living for me, He never left me. It wasn't based on my performance, what I did or didn't do but based on His love for me. His arm was always outstretched, He was constantly in pursuit. He has a purpose for me whether I see it or not. So why would He bail this time ,when, once again I was completely helpless and needed Him most?! This was the cry of my heart so let's fast forward a couple of months...
I was driving home from work, I had just found out that she had filed the divorce papers and was having a hard time dealing with the reality. However, at this same time, I was also taking a course called Crown Financial and it happened to be the week about God being in Control of everything (how convenient). As the reality and the weight of it actually ending was starting to sink in and I began to quote the memory vs for that week, grasping for any help...I was broken and called out.
"Everything in the Heavens and earth is yours oh Lord, this is Your Kingdom.
We adore you as being in control of everything. Your hand controls power and might and it is at your discretion that men are made great and given strength. "
And for the first time in my life, THE FIRST TIME, it hit me like a flood of water, I grasped spiritually what happened physically that day on the beach, He's got me, even when I'm drowning in my own mess, He's got me. It was almost like He stepped down from Heaven sat in the seat next to me and let me know it was ok. I just have to let go and let Him. And for the first time I didn't feel like I had to do anything. Do you understand how relieving this was for me? I didn't have to perform a certain way to make something happen. I didn't have to be a certain person to be accepted. I understood that He was and always has been in control. He accepts me just as I am. The good grades, giftings, all and every accomplishment were because of Him at His discretion; the marriage failing was not my fault; this news poured over me, washing me from head to toe and it was the most freeing release I have ever felt in my life and I wish I could explain it more vividly so that everyone reading this could experience that same peace because I don't think this portrays accurately what was really happening on the inside.
I drove the rest of the way home with tears of release, His yoke is easy and His burden is light, and the pressure of making it happen, dealing with all the thoughts circulating, all that for the rest of the 45 minute drive home was gone.
In and of myself I couldn't save the marriage. I had tried so hard but it's out of my power. I'm not God. I can't save nor change people as much as I would like to or try. God gives us the freedom to choose and He is the one who does the saving. But I can say something was saved and changed in me and I'm the only person who can change me. What had been created and what existed in me for 26 years came to a crashing halt as I finally understood, the God of the universe being in control and caring about my life. He didn't set things in motion, sit back, fold His arms and watch from a distance but is actively involved in my life. The pride that existed, the I can do it on my own, was destroyed. and it needed to be so that He could increase. The peace that came with that is indescribable and has helped me heal very quickly and experience joy without shame or guilt. Sometimes its hard to deal with the lies that comes with being divorce and what others may think. but once again I cannot control that and choose to move forward...
With all that said, in no way am I advocating or saying God approved of our divorce. because things were bad. I still don't know why things went the way they did, I truly don't. I do have a lot of questions. I believe His perfect will is for two people to stay married because marriage is a very special thing as it represents His covenant with His church. But He also has a heart individually for all of us. I cannot speak for her and where she is, that is between her and God, all I can say is despite my situation, my mistakes, when I needed Him, He rescued and used the storm to shape me for my good and His glory and for that I am thankful and look to Him more and more each day as I realize this is not about me. I have learned a lot. We have to lay down all expectation when entering into marriage. It's just a person we are marrying. They can't complete us, fix us or create utopia and whatever story or movie we have watched that says they can. Are wrong. But by placing our hope and commitment in Him as Savior in good times and bad, and dealing with our junk appropriately; we can be blessed with someone to truly enjoy life with...He is the author of life.
thanks for reading
Ok I'm stalling because honestly I'm hesitant about writing this last part. I have a lot of anxiety; It requires humility, honesty and exposing some difficult things that I really don't know if I want to make public and would probably prefer to hide, but I know its fear of what others will think that's causing me to procrastinate and ramble so I must face it. I feel prompted to share for whatever reason, in hopes that through my weakness, my experience He will be glorified, others may learn something... So let me attempt to set this up once more...
I'm wired to be a rescuer, what can I say? It flows freely throughout my veins and has as long as I can remember. When I was put together in my mother's womb I got an extra injection of chivalry or something I guess?!? Seriously when I was five or so and just beginning to understand God and prayer, I would pray that He would make me the strongest man in the world every night, without the huge muscles and protruding veins like a body builder of course, so that I could be a hero one day. Why? Why at such a young age did I wish this? anyways, Jack Bauer, William Wallace in Braveheart, Jesus, I resonate passionately with these men. cheesy i know but oh well, my counselor once told me, "son, I'm starting to get a grasp of who you are, you're a dreamer and romantic" I don't even know what that means, I don't know why I am wired this way, I don't know if all guys are, and I don't know if it's a bad thing, but he saw something. But whether all of that is true or not or just a distorted view of reality, I found myself in a battle. Fighting for something very very important, something that I never dreamed of having to fight this hard for and never imagined it come knocking on my door so quickly. We read about it in books, watch it in movies and in some way all desire to be in it. But it wasn't like the books, it wasn't like the movies, by all angles, in every direction, however you looked at it, I was losing and in my mind, this isn't how it was suppose to be. Selah.
I fell in love with a pretty, charming, fun, full of life single mother. We connected quickly and got married very fast and I moved out to California because she couldn't move to Tx. That's when everything turned upside down on me (or actually before that as well). We experienced some very very trivial things in month one, well basically months 1-the entire time, but I will try to stay away from the specifics because I don't want to air certain things to the public masses in order to protect and maintain some privacy. But let's just say these early trials would have rocked any newlywed foundation and without total commitment to each other, the escape button seemed the easiest way. In month two, threats of an annulment and divorce were made and the next year and a half of my life I focused on saving whatever was left...I knew the covenant I made before God, divorce runs on both sides of my family and I had made up my mind long ago that divorce was not an option for me.
So follow this, all my life I have been performance driven, combine that with a rescuer mentality thrown into this unexpected mess, this chaos and before soon the perfect storm was formed. I began to try everything. I knew my role coming into this as a husband. To love my wife as Christ loves the church, to pursue, to initiate and to die to myself daily. But I cannot even explain accurately in words how hard this truly is...but I went for it with all the tools I had and decided it was worth it. So what do you do when everything you try fails? Nor does is produce or return any favorable results. When apologizing for mistakes, washing the dishes, cleaning house, baby sitting, love notes, prayer, endless prayer day in and day out, assistance from others, counseling, flowers, pursuing when you're literally scared/confused/betrayed, forgiving after your heart was destroyed, getting kicked out in a foreign place and living on your own but still not wanting to give up. still believing, still hoping, still loving. What do you do when none of this works?
Now hear me out, in no way am I claiming to be perfect at all. I am definitely aware of my shortcomings and my baggage brought into the relationship, I found out I have blind spots, say dumb things, cannot meet all needs, am selfish and was quick to begin to tackle these. I'm not claiming she was 100% to be blamed either, that is not my heart in this at any level. I'm just trying to emphasize that each morning, as bad as it was and as bad as the night was before, and as bad as I thought it may be for the next 2o years, I got up ready to fight another day regardless of the circumstance and what I did or didn't know how to do. This is how I am wired, this is how I've responded a majority of my life. I was, in most cases, self sufficient. Most of the time, when I put my attention to something I succeeded, but not this time, not when it mattered most. The ground was falling out from underneath and I came to the point where I didn't know what to do. at all. Surely this has to eventually work, I thought but it didn't. and it was killing me inside, tormenting my thoughts. The harder I fought, the further out I was taken. The longer I fought, the more I tried to save, to change, to control, the deeper I fell. I struggled, tried everything in my power but like quick sand I kept sinking. why wasn't anything working....everything was waging war against me. My own marriage was falling apart and I never thought this was remotely possible...I was being humbled each and everyday, broken down piece by piece, and it was hurting. With tears streaming down my face all I could tell Him was I was sorry.
But this is where God shines, this is when His power, His restoration is made perfect for those who are searching, reaching. 20 years ago He literally saved me when I could not fight the sea any longer, He stepped in and brought me up out of the gloomy water when I finally gave up swimming, took one last breath and truly decided I was at my end. When I let go and said, help! I need you! He didn't delay. The next 12 years or so when I did everything I could to turn from Him, chase my fantasies, my desires, living for me, He never left me. It wasn't based on my performance, what I did or didn't do but based on His love for me. His arm was always outstretched, He was constantly in pursuit. He has a purpose for me whether I see it or not. So why would He bail this time ,when, once again I was completely helpless and needed Him most?! This was the cry of my heart so let's fast forward a couple of months...
I was driving home from work, I had just found out that she had filed the divorce papers and was having a hard time dealing with the reality. However, at this same time, I was also taking a course called Crown Financial and it happened to be the week about God being in Control of everything (how convenient). As the reality and the weight of it actually ending was starting to sink in and I began to quote the memory vs for that week, grasping for any help...I was broken and called out.
"Everything in the Heavens and earth is yours oh Lord, this is Your Kingdom.
We adore you as being in control of everything. Your hand controls power and might and it is at your discretion that men are made great and given strength. "
And for the first time in my life, THE FIRST TIME, it hit me like a flood of water, I grasped spiritually what happened physically that day on the beach, He's got me, even when I'm drowning in my own mess, He's got me. It was almost like He stepped down from Heaven sat in the seat next to me and let me know it was ok. I just have to let go and let Him. And for the first time I didn't feel like I had to do anything. Do you understand how relieving this was for me? I didn't have to perform a certain way to make something happen. I didn't have to be a certain person to be accepted. I understood that He was and always has been in control. He accepts me just as I am. The good grades, giftings, all and every accomplishment were because of Him at His discretion; the marriage failing was not my fault; this news poured over me, washing me from head to toe and it was the most freeing release I have ever felt in my life and I wish I could explain it more vividly so that everyone reading this could experience that same peace because I don't think this portrays accurately what was really happening on the inside.
I drove the rest of the way home with tears of release, His yoke is easy and His burden is light, and the pressure of making it happen, dealing with all the thoughts circulating, all that for the rest of the 45 minute drive home was gone.
In and of myself I couldn't save the marriage. I had tried so hard but it's out of my power. I'm not God. I can't save nor change people as much as I would like to or try. God gives us the freedom to choose and He is the one who does the saving. But I can say something was saved and changed in me and I'm the only person who can change me. What had been created and what existed in me for 26 years came to a crashing halt as I finally understood, the God of the universe being in control and caring about my life. He didn't set things in motion, sit back, fold His arms and watch from a distance but is actively involved in my life. The pride that existed, the I can do it on my own, was destroyed. and it needed to be so that He could increase. The peace that came with that is indescribable and has helped me heal very quickly and experience joy without shame or guilt. Sometimes its hard to deal with the lies that comes with being divorce and what others may think. but once again I cannot control that and choose to move forward...
With all that said, in no way am I advocating or saying God approved of our divorce. because things were bad. I still don't know why things went the way they did, I truly don't. I do have a lot of questions. I believe His perfect will is for two people to stay married because marriage is a very special thing as it represents His covenant with His church. But He also has a heart individually for all of us. I cannot speak for her and where she is, that is between her and God, all I can say is despite my situation, my mistakes, when I needed Him, He rescued and used the storm to shape me for my good and His glory and for that I am thankful and look to Him more and more each day as I realize this is not about me. I have learned a lot. We have to lay down all expectation when entering into marriage. It's just a person we are marrying. They can't complete us, fix us or create utopia and whatever story or movie we have watched that says they can. Are wrong. But by placing our hope and commitment in Him as Savior in good times and bad, and dealing with our junk appropriately; we can be blessed with someone to truly enjoy life with...He is the author of life.
thanks for reading
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Christmas Story
Lights, shopping, cold weather, carols, trees, parties,airports and traveling. This time of the year can be extremely busy and crazy. It seems like every single night there is a party or some event. I am filled with joy at how my peers remember those in need during this time and have gone well out of their way to raise awareness and support in an effort to make a difference in people's lives around the world. But even as good and important as these things are, if they are not tethered to the meta narrative that is in the gospel of Jesus Christ then I think we are missing a rather large part of our commission. It would almost be like someone taking all the time, work, effort to investment in Christmas lights but never actually plugging them into the power source. We have to open our mouths and proclaim the gospel as a reminder to ourselves of the hope we have in Jesus and to others and not just rely on our actions. Jesus asked his disciples who do people say I am, Peter steps forward and says You are the Christ the Son of the living God and it is on that confession of WHO Jesus is that the church is built and the gospel lives. And so I want to remember the story and remind ourselves of why we do the things we do.
I'm reading a book right now called "How football explains America" and basically its a book written to explain why and how football became America's sport and how it captured the hearts of the American people and why it didn't take in other parts of the world. One thing that stuck out to me was this idea centered around how most people live their lives through the stories of others... and so if this is true and I believe to a large degree it is very true, all you have to do is look at the news/magazines and tabloids to see what the latest hot gossip is, but if this is true then there is no better story to live through than the one given to us in the bible as God Himself reconciles the world back to Himself. But before we get to that let me tell one of my own...
When I was a little boy I believed in Santa. My parents told me about Santa and how each year he got on his sleigh, flew behind magical reindeer led by one with a red light for a nose and delivered toys to boys and girls all over the world all in one night. I had such a strong belief in him because in my mind he was clearly real. I would give my Christmas list to my parents to mail to the North Pole and would then receive the presents I had asked for. To me that was evidence of his existence, end of story. Now because of my fascination with Santa and his reindeer, I had decided we were friends and I needed to meet him. But he was a busy man and so therefore I needed to catch him in my house. After many failed attempts of setting traps I decided this one year to just stay awake and witness him myself. However I knew that by myself I wouldn't be able to stay awake so I convinced my mom to remain up with me. She must have been thinking I'll give him an hour at the most and he'll pass out...oh no not me, nope I was determined and as traits hold true can be very discipline or stubborn, however you look at it, when I need to be. I made conversation with her til midnight, 1, 2, 3 and finally after she realized I wasn't going to go to sleep, my mother looks at me and says "Jason, there is no Santa now go to sleep!" ....and just walks out of my room. She leaves me in my room, open mouth, wide eyed with a disappointed broken heart! There was no Santa...but I still had the Easter bunny.
Ok so now compare all of that to the scriptures. In Genesis 17:1-8 We see God shows up, pursues man in Abraham and says look at the stars so shall your offspring be and I will be there God. The bible follows this group of people throughout history from slavery to the promise land to king after king and victory after victory, rebellion to repentance and in this meta narrative God sends prophets as His mouth piece to remind the Israelites of all God's done and to turn from their ways lest He get angry and destroy all of them. But God remembers His covenant and as we find in Isaiah 59:16 He works salvation with His own arm and points to the coming of the Messiah...A time is coming, don't lose hope set your eyes on God because He is sending a Savior. Then everything just goes silent. For 400 hundred years all they have is their history, the Law and a prophecy about the coming of a Messiah. And I can picture a father and son on their way to sacrifice a goat and the son looking at his dad and asking how much longer do we have to do this and then hearing the hope in the father's voice as he says one day son, one day we won't have to do this anymore because God is sending someone who will bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners and proclaim the year of the Lord's favor...I understood and believed in Santa for maybe 3 years and my happiness and excitement each Christmas was based on whether or not a Fat man dressed in a red jump suit brought me presents. Can you see the difference in my hope and belief compared to all of the Jews history, all they had been through, seen and heard about? Divine miracles were no mystery to them so their belief and hope for a Messiah would far exceed anything we can relate to presently.
And then as prophecy foretold, it happens. The whole story begins to take shape as the God of the Universe steps off of His throne in Heaven is born of a virgin, walks among sinners and then is eventually killed by the very people who have longed for His coming for generation after generation after generation.
But for the most part, this divine birth goes virtually unnoticed. And then even when Jesus begins and gets well into His ministry He is still rejected and not accepted as the Son of God. What's wrong with this picture? The Messiah, whom they have been waiting for is in the flesh standing in their midst and instead of following Him they want to kill him...? But are we really that much different? It's easy for us to sit here, read about this story and say how could they be so dumb. Because you see, the Jews had created a version of their Messiah, what they wanted and what they thought they needed in order to make them happy and serve their needs. They were looking for a physical relief to their current situation. A change in their circumstance as they were being oppressed by a very large Roman Empire. A king to actually free them physically from bondage. They had set their expectation on the idea that they knew best what would bring them the most joy. But as we saw with the woman at the well and how she was looking for physical water, Jesus didn't come to just change things on the outside but with His kingdom He gave us victory from the inside out. And they didn't get the Messiah they thought. They got Jesus. Who hung out with the poor, the sick and the sinners and always challenged their heart instead of performing every time they rang a bell. And we do the same thing. We create a version of what God can and can't do based on how we see the world and how it should work. And when God challenges those things we say that's not God He wouldn't ask me to do that or how could God allow that to happen.
I mean look at our life, what kind of things have we placed our hope in, created, hoping that it would bring about happiness or some type of relief from our current situation? All those things will eventually let us down. My belief in Santa let me down, my hope in football let me down, alcohol, girls you name it. Everything that I pursued on my own outside of the gospel led no where but to more anger and loneliness. And it wasn't until the gospel was birthed inside my heart did I finally find true peace and hope and that is why despite having much or nothing at all we, we can find solace and rest in Him. Our joy is not dependent upon our circumstances, health or social status but everyone whether rich or poor, single or married, sick or healthy can rejoice knowing that this story is real. It's not another fairy tale made up to make us feel good. Jesus did come and because of that we have hope and life.
And just as the Jews looked for the first coming we can now be certain of His second...
Revelations 22:12"Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. 13I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.
I'm reading a book right now called "How football explains America" and basically its a book written to explain why and how football became America's sport and how it captured the hearts of the American people and why it didn't take in other parts of the world. One thing that stuck out to me was this idea centered around how most people live their lives through the stories of others... and so if this is true and I believe to a large degree it is very true, all you have to do is look at the news/magazines and tabloids to see what the latest hot gossip is, but if this is true then there is no better story to live through than the one given to us in the bible as God Himself reconciles the world back to Himself. But before we get to that let me tell one of my own...
When I was a little boy I believed in Santa. My parents told me about Santa and how each year he got on his sleigh, flew behind magical reindeer led by one with a red light for a nose and delivered toys to boys and girls all over the world all in one night. I had such a strong belief in him because in my mind he was clearly real. I would give my Christmas list to my parents to mail to the North Pole and would then receive the presents I had asked for. To me that was evidence of his existence, end of story. Now because of my fascination with Santa and his reindeer, I had decided we were friends and I needed to meet him. But he was a busy man and so therefore I needed to catch him in my house. After many failed attempts of setting traps I decided this one year to just stay awake and witness him myself. However I knew that by myself I wouldn't be able to stay awake so I convinced my mom to remain up with me. She must have been thinking I'll give him an hour at the most and he'll pass out...oh no not me, nope I was determined and as traits hold true can be very discipline or stubborn, however you look at it, when I need to be. I made conversation with her til midnight, 1, 2, 3 and finally after she realized I wasn't going to go to sleep, my mother looks at me and says "Jason, there is no Santa now go to sleep!" ....and just walks out of my room. She leaves me in my room, open mouth, wide eyed with a disappointed broken heart! There was no Santa...but I still had the Easter bunny.
Ok so now compare all of that to the scriptures. In Genesis 17:1-8 We see God shows up, pursues man in Abraham and says look at the stars so shall your offspring be and I will be there God. The bible follows this group of people throughout history from slavery to the promise land to king after king and victory after victory, rebellion to repentance and in this meta narrative God sends prophets as His mouth piece to remind the Israelites of all God's done and to turn from their ways lest He get angry and destroy all of them. But God remembers His covenant and as we find in Isaiah 59:16 He works salvation with His own arm and points to the coming of the Messiah...A time is coming, don't lose hope set your eyes on God because He is sending a Savior. Then everything just goes silent. For 400 hundred years all they have is their history, the Law and a prophecy about the coming of a Messiah. And I can picture a father and son on their way to sacrifice a goat and the son looking at his dad and asking how much longer do we have to do this and then hearing the hope in the father's voice as he says one day son, one day we won't have to do this anymore because God is sending someone who will bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners and proclaim the year of the Lord's favor...I understood and believed in Santa for maybe 3 years and my happiness and excitement each Christmas was based on whether or not a Fat man dressed in a red jump suit brought me presents. Can you see the difference in my hope and belief compared to all of the Jews history, all they had been through, seen and heard about? Divine miracles were no mystery to them so their belief and hope for a Messiah would far exceed anything we can relate to presently.
And then as prophecy foretold, it happens. The whole story begins to take shape as the God of the Universe steps off of His throne in Heaven is born of a virgin, walks among sinners and then is eventually killed by the very people who have longed for His coming for generation after generation after generation.
But for the most part, this divine birth goes virtually unnoticed. And then even when Jesus begins and gets well into His ministry He is still rejected and not accepted as the Son of God. What's wrong with this picture? The Messiah, whom they have been waiting for is in the flesh standing in their midst and instead of following Him they want to kill him...? But are we really that much different? It's easy for us to sit here, read about this story and say how could they be so dumb. Because you see, the Jews had created a version of their Messiah, what they wanted and what they thought they needed in order to make them happy and serve their needs. They were looking for a physical relief to their current situation. A change in their circumstance as they were being oppressed by a very large Roman Empire. A king to actually free them physically from bondage. They had set their expectation on the idea that they knew best what would bring them the most joy. But as we saw with the woman at the well and how she was looking for physical water, Jesus didn't come to just change things on the outside but with His kingdom He gave us victory from the inside out. And they didn't get the Messiah they thought. They got Jesus. Who hung out with the poor, the sick and the sinners and always challenged their heart instead of performing every time they rang a bell. And we do the same thing. We create a version of what God can and can't do based on how we see the world and how it should work. And when God challenges those things we say that's not God He wouldn't ask me to do that or how could God allow that to happen.
I mean look at our life, what kind of things have we placed our hope in, created, hoping that it would bring about happiness or some type of relief from our current situation? All those things will eventually let us down. My belief in Santa let me down, my hope in football let me down, alcohol, girls you name it. Everything that I pursued on my own outside of the gospel led no where but to more anger and loneliness. And it wasn't until the gospel was birthed inside my heart did I finally find true peace and hope and that is why despite having much or nothing at all we, we can find solace and rest in Him. Our joy is not dependent upon our circumstances, health or social status but everyone whether rich or poor, single or married, sick or healthy can rejoice knowing that this story is real. It's not another fairy tale made up to make us feel good. Jesus did come and because of that we have hope and life.
And just as the Jews looked for the first coming we can now be certain of His second...
Revelations 22:12"Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. 13I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Kinsman Redeemer
The mountain before me great and tall
Could I go over or would I be afraid to fall
My heart is in this the King I know
Has called me to press on even through the deepest snow
The enemy advances and weighs heavily upon me
I use my sword to defend my territory
Resisting the urge to give in now
Because at the name of Jesus every knee will bow
He has chosen this for me that I may suffer with glory
Before the foundations of the earth He had written my story
That in my trials my faith would not waver
as Jesus came to die and became my Savior
And so I look at this mountain before me
with joy in my eyes to give Him the glory
Could I go over or would I be afraid to fall
My heart is in this the King I know
Has called me to press on even through the deepest snow
The enemy advances and weighs heavily upon me
I use my sword to defend my territory
Resisting the urge to give in now
Because at the name of Jesus every knee will bow
He has chosen this for me that I may suffer with glory
Before the foundations of the earth He had written my story
That in my trials my faith would not waver
as Jesus came to die and became my Savior
And so I look at this mountain before me
with joy in my eyes to give Him the glory
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